Right now, there’s something terribly wrong with my right arm. It won’t stop shaking and it’s twitching like a mother fucker. God willing, I think I should be able to get through this update alive.

Yesterday I happened across some money ($10) which was enough to buy Planescape: Torment, a game which both Zileas and Gamespot swear is the best RPG ever created. At first, I was shocked when every store we went to had every single Infinity Engine powered RPG ever created save for the one I actually wanted to buy. However, as time passed, the fact that Comp USA, Staples, Wal-Mart, and Target’s PC game selections were all dominated by miniature boxes. How do they manage to fit a decent instruction manual in there? At least I know Blizzard’s upcoming Warcraft 3 (Collector’s Edition) will come in a box the size of Godzilla.

Speaking of the quest for old games…
There are a TON of old games I really want to buy (as in three). Classics such as Planescape: Torment, The Misadventures of Tron Bonne, and Paper Mario. I know what you’re thinking. Those games are old, and are no longer “hip.” This may be true, but I’ve spent a whole hell of a lot more money on games which were much newer and much crappier. Mario Paint, Breath of Fire, Final Fantasy 7, Xenogears, Turok 3, Banjo-Tooie, Hexen, and Operation Flashpoint all come to mind.

Farscape returns to Sci-Fi tonight, but the Invisible Man (I-Man) doesn�t. I guess the bastards in programming really did cancel that show. Which is too bad, considering it was far better than the distinctively Sci-Fi Channel quality Strange Days and Lexx. Farscape is the only show on television I watch religiously. It�s the only show I watch for that matter. Sure, South Park and Family Guy are nice, but I forget about them more than I actually watch them. There just aren�t enough M*A*S*Hs on TV anymore (or Quantum Leaps or Wonder Years or Beast Wars Season 2).

Fear not loyal reader (who happens to be me)! The Conker�s Bad Fur Day Glory Guide is still enroute, but it turns out I had more facts wrong than right. It also turns out that TheGIA is much better at writing these retrospect things than I am.

In a perfect world the slight design changes which this site needs so badly would have been completed long ago, all of the articles I promised in January would be online by now, and I would upload a new article at least twice a month. Unfortunately, this world isn�t perfect, and all you get are these �updates� filled with my wit and charm.

Speaking of web sites and perfect things�. There are several web sites which manage to combine sexy, fast loading, graphics with high functionality. Sites like ToastyFrog, ExpectNothing, and WarcraftReport (their URLs are all one word, yet made up of multiple words, each of which should be capitalized, so by that logic my site should be DorkClub) make me horny. In fact, had I actual graphical design skillz, rather than just being able to create colored tables, my site would be even more of a blatant rip off of theirs.

Some sites, however, just suck. Just about any retail site is a piece of crap. One would think that because somebody is paid to design them, they wouldn�t be. But alas, the retail site is forced to be a cluttered mess because it has to sell such a wide range of products to ever hope to turn a profit. Then there�s IGN, probably the most cumbersome, add-infested, crapfest on the internet. Which reminds me, any site with more Java Script (different than Java) and/or Flash than HTML already has three strikes against it in my book.

By the way, the point of this update is; what makes for good web design. This information has been provided for you by Wedge55, worst webmaster on the face of the earth.

No more -Oh! titles for updates, I promise.

I finished playing through Conker’s Bad Fur Day again. Know what that means? A BFD Glory Guide is forthcoming. Soon you too will (hopefully) realize the best game for the Nintendo 64 was NOT made by Nintendo.

Also, take a look at this little article over at Nintendojo. I guess great minds think alike, although I also put Mario 64 and Mario Party responsible for defining the Nintendo 64’s existence, and I pray the Gamecube doesn’t become a survival-horror dumping ground. However, I do plan on buying both Resident Evil and Eternal Darkness. Damn me.

In more Nintendo related news, the big N claims that Super Mario Sunshine (now an official title) will be out in August, Starfox Adventures: Dinosaur Planet will be released in September, Metroid Prime will be available in October, and Zelda will arrive in Novemeber. Who do they think they’re kidding? Nintendo delays games more often than Blizzard does! However, if they do manage to pull this off, they will have no more major franchises to create new games for after only one year into their new console. Maybe we’ll actually see multiple Mario games for the first time since the originial NES (because Yoshi’s Island and Luigi’s Mansion don’t count).

I know, I know, it isn’t really a Warcraft 3 related update, but it is (hopefully) the last Blizzard related update until June. I don’t know why I put so much effort into these things, especially when I could please all of you by just showing you this.

I really wanna make a Blizzard fan site, hell, this one practically already is. However it isn’t something I could do by myself as I would most definitely need a *GASP* staff. More on that later. Anybody can make a rarely updated site with a nice URL that just reposts news from battle.net and Blizzard’s forums, and while my site would list major community news in an updates section, it would focus mainly on more obscure things. Things such as insane Diablo 2 (and World of Warcraft) character builds which manage to be effective, unusual Starcraft/Warcraft strategies, and unique maps/campaigns. The site would also have some basic game information, forums, and a fan art/fanfic section. After all, it wouldn’t be a fan site if it didn’t have content made for the fans, by the fans. There are some major hurtles to overcome in order to create such a site though. Namely content. I couldn’t just start the site and have the content slowly trickle online, as I have done with this one. Instead, it would have to go live with most of its content already up and then be updated accordingly. This is where the staff would come in. I’m not talking about a team of dozens of web designers here, and I’m certainly not going to pay these fools. They would each write articles and report news in the main section, and serve as forum moderators. However, I would need to change the way my news script works into a style more akin to Infoceptor or ExpectNothing. The staff would consist of no more than three or four people, perhaps each with a specific specialty. Maybe one who writes lots of strategy articles or battle reports, one who makes maps or campaigns, one who is good with graphics and supplies the basic layout and pretty images, and myself covering your basic Diablo 2 and World of Warcraft crap. That’d be mad sexy. I could certainly learn perl (note: I actually couldn’t), and I could certainly find a few semi-skilled people to help out with such a site (double note: nobody would help me). However the most difficult part by far would be coming up with a good URL. That, my friends, is the key. After that I only need to update the site twice a month and get enough hits a day to be considered an official Blizzard fan site (like 20). Then the Blizzard betas come rolling in.

When reading through the old DORK Club episodes, it seems as though they had a single purpose, to embarrass me several years later with their absolutely terrible writings on subjects which should never be mentioned by a human being. Nearly every episode devolved into myself mentioning some obscure Transformers reference which nobody but myself even understood. Considering I haven’t done that in such a long time, I’m certainly over due. With that in mind, I present to you, the origins of the Transformers. Don’t ask me why I know all this; just pity me because I do.

     Each (American) Transformer series has taken a different approach as to what exactly Transformers are and where the hell they came from. For this reason, the hope of the Transformer universe ever having any shred of continuity has long since been destroyed.
     The original series, simply called Transformers, offered the simplest, and least convoluted, explanation for the origin of the Transformers. An ancient alien race, known as the Quintessons (who first appeared in Transformers: The Movie), created a world entirely out of metal, called Cybertron, to serve as a factory for robots who they would use as slaves. The Quintessons used the Plasma Energy Chamber on Cybertron to forge the bodies of these robots, and the super computer Vector Sigma to instill life into them. Why they made them sentient is anyone’s guess. Me, I want my robotic slaves to not be capable of intelligent thought, but then again I’m not a member of an ancient alien race. They obviously know better than I. The Quintessons produced two different flavors of Transformers, the worker robots; Autobots and the military robots; Decepticons. In order to ensure their creations never turned against them (something they wouldn’t have had to worry about had they not made them sentient) they placed massive Guardian Robots in every city throughout Cybertron. However, a scientist by the name of A-3 created a device which temporarily disabled the Guardian Robots. So, A-3, along with his female companion Beta, lead a rebellion against the Quintessons and their Guardian Robots, driving them from the world and finally achieving true freedom.
     Around the same time as the original television series was busy selling toys, a comic book version of the Transformer’s story, designed for a more mature audience, was produced by Marvel (I think). According to the comic books, the planet of Cybertron was created by Primus, one of The Creator’s servants, by turning an asteroid into the metal world. Primus created the Autobots to live on Cybertron and serve as the last line of defense against his enemy, Unicron, while burying himself deep within the planet, to protect it should the need arise. Meanwhile, Unicron, the lord of chaos, was busy eating solar systems and making entire species go extinct. Eventually he made his way to Cybertron where, instead of eating it, he created his own race of sentient robots, the Decepticons. The two robot races continue the epic battle between good and evil, in place of their immortal creators (which I think is less of a convincing reason than “Megatron wants power” but it wasn’t my comic, so who am I to judge?). The comics also gave an explanation as to why the Transformers could transform. In the beginnings of the Great War, the Decepticons had a distinct advantage over the Autobots (they had weapons). In order to deal with this threat, the Autobots changed themselves so as they could transform between a vehicle and human-like form. The Decepticons, thinking it a good idea, did the same, and the Great War continued.
     After nearly five years without a new Transformer series, Hasbro launched its new Transformer toy line, and TV show, Beast Wars. Beast Wars offered a unique insight as to the origin of the Transformer by combining aspects of the views of the original series, and the comic books. According to Beast Wars, the Great War had long since ended, Decepticons and Autobot were no more, and in their place were the Predacons and Maximals. Beast Wars largest impact on Transformer continuity came in the introduction of the spark. According to Beast Wars, Transformers are simply robots, complete with onboard computers. However, they are living things thanks to the presence of the spark. A spark is essentially a Transformer’s soul. Without it they die. It instills life into their otherwise lifeless robotic shells, and makes them more than mere robots, but actual living beings. Maximal sparks come from the Creation Matrix (not to be confused with the Autobot Matrix of Leadership) and, upon the Transformer’s death, returns to the Matrix, where all are one. Predacon sparks originated in the Inferno, but when Hasbro demanded that a character of the same name be introduced into the show, the writers changed its name to the Pit. It is unclear what happens to Predacon sparks when they die. It should also be noted that not only Maximal sparks join the Matrix, rather the Matrix is reserved for the “greatest of Cybertron.” Primus and Unicron are also evident in Beast Wars, but more as religious figures. While their sparks may come from the Creation Matrix and the Pit, the Transformers believe Primus and Unicron responsible for their creation. Yet, the Quintessions are also existent. Beast Wars also adds another alien race into the mix, the Vok, who are responsible for the creation of humanity. Bob Forward, lead story editor on Beast Wars, has also stated that had the show continued, it would have been revealed that the Vok where actually the Swarm, a rogue group of Transformers from the comic book series who were capable of reproduction via mitosis style division and were cast back through time.
     Finally, Beast Machines, offers yet another look at where a race of living robots came from. According to Beast Machines, the first transformers migrated to Cybertron, which was once a fully organic world, and had to teach themselves to transform through constant spiritual conditioning. Bob Skir, story editor for Beast Machines, later said the whole “migrated to Cybertron” thing was based on faulty information given to him by Hasbro. Maybe if he wasn’t such a jackass of a man, we could actually believe that was true. Maybe Hasbro should have hired screenwriters with talent. Although I must admit, Skir sure knows how to do a good chase scene, especially a seven hour one. Beast Machines also did away with the whole “Creation Matrix” and “Pit” thing and replaced both with the All Spark, better known as the Matrix, both terms were, and are, used interchangeably. All sparks come from, and eventually return to, the All Spark, which is a big spirally mess of blue sparks that only Optimus Primal and Cheetor have had the pleasure of seeing. Also new to Beast Machines, was the fact that sparks could survive outside of their host, almost indefinitely. As for the fact that Cybertron was once organic, apparently this also meant that large pockets of organic slime, with the ability to sprout techno-organic vines at an alarming rate, were all over the planet, along with super sized skeletons of Earth creatures. Ah well, what do you expect from a show that was really nothing more than a retelling of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest?
     As for the Japanese series (Beast Wars Neo, Beast Wars The Second, Car Robots, Target Masters, God Master Force), they’ve pretty much just used bits and pieces of the various excuses for the existence of the Transformers offered by the American shows. I suppose that’s not a bad thing, there’s already enough origin stories for the robots in disguise.

I have something really great I’d like to include in today’s update, but I’ll stick with my theme. Besides, it fits in pretty well with what I’m gunna talk about tomorrow. I realize nobody will read this, especially buried in such a long update concerning a topic nobody (myself included) cares about. However, if you actually made it this far, e-mail me and tell me. I shall reward you with Hardcore Anal Action (HAA) or the closest online equivalent.

It seems fitting to discuss Steven Spielberg’s bastardization of a classic film, namely E.T., on the same night as the Academy Awards (we’ll have more on that subject in the next episode). Click here to read all about Spielberg’s “alterations” to his work. I know what you’re thinking, it’s his work, he can do with it as he pleases, besides, George Lucas made changes to Star Wars. Ah yes, I would reply, good point, expect for it’s not. Lucas’ changes, while grossly unnecessary, didn’t completely change anything in the film. Sure, Mos Eisley looks different, but does that have the same impact as changing spoken lines? Short answer: no. Hopefully the above mentioned article’s statement that Senor Spielberg plans on making E.T. style changes to the Indiana Jones series are false. However, with the release of a fourth Indiana Jones movie on the horizon, and Lucas having already proved how much he likes changing classics (I believe he had something to do with the Indiana Jones trilogy), I wouldn’t be surprised at all.

Only two more planned updates to go before we get back to my random ass crap. As opposed to my other random crap that doesn’t come from my ass. Get it? Ass crap! Ha!

Waverace: Blue Storm Impressions:

Most water-based racing games take place on tracks which more closely resemble blue asphalt rather than actual water. A few minutes with Waverace 64, Jet Moto, or the water segments of Diddy Kong Racing make this point clearly evident. However, for better or worse, Blue Storm is a true water-based racer. Unlike the XBox’s Bloodwake, the water’s glory lies not in its hyper-realistic, ultra-shiny, reflective surface, in fact, most of the time the game’s water is almost completely clear. Whereas most water racers feel the need to make their water look realistic, the team behind Nintendo’s latest installment of the Waverace series felt the need to instead make the water feel realistic. Turning takes skill, lots of skill, as your vehicle is moving on water, not concrete. Similarly, weather effects have a profound impact on the behavior of the liquid mass beneath you. Fog blocks out the sun, eliminating most reflective properties of the water and making it difficult to see the ocean floor below. Rain comes in different shapes and sizes, from the slight trickle which gives wave sizes an increase in height and slightly impairs vision, to all out storms which turn waves into towering hills, and cloud your vision with a constant stream of water, darkness, and lightning. While the weather may have a nice visual impact by adjusting water levels and adding varying degrees of clearness to the water, it is, as stated earlier, the physics behind this game which truly make it shine, and suffer.

Obviously the physics took a lot of time, and memory, to incorporate into this game. While it may add a whole new depth to the gameplay, forcing players to begin turns long before they’re there, battle not only with other racers but with waves and currents, and always think two steps ahead of themselves, the game as a whole suffers. Character models and terrain clearly are not comprised of as many polygons as they could be, as a majority of the memory is reserved for the physics engine and the huge polygonal liquid surface beneath your feet. Texture quality too, for the most part, is sub par. In addition, the control scheme yields a steep learning curve, especially considering the fact that the computer racers, even on the easiest difficulty setting, have mastered the balance of using the controls and the physics to their advantage. This means you’ll lose, and lose a lot, before finally mastering the just how to play this game (if at all).

The game certainly isn’t bad, but much like Nintendo’s other first-party launch software, isn’t worth more than a rental. If you own a Gamecube, you owe it to yourself to experience this game, even if only to feel the waves beneath your feet.

Here’s what the updates I have planned for the next few days look like. This way, you already know what I’m going to talk about and therefore already know why you shouldn’t visit my site on the days provided. I call this “user friendly.”

I was watching the news the other night, and a rather large child porn ring had recently been broken up by the pole-eece. The news anchor also informed me that the possession of child pornography is illegal in this fine nation. This put an idea in my head for my favorite kind of DORK Club update, the highly offensive kind…

What the hell is so bad about child porn? Personally, I don’t like it, and I believe there are some serious psychological problems with those who do, but if that’s what floats your boat, who am I to judge? In reality, very few children suffer to bring so many so much pleasure. If you knew a few moments of suffering, or embarrassment, for your child could result in pleasure for thousands of lonely, perverted men, wouldn’t you at least explore the option of having your youngster participate? I hear it pays well. Besides, the boy scouts have been doing it for years, and nobody seems to care. So why the big-to-do whenever an overweight, balding, forty-something man with homosexual tendencies happens to have a few dozen nude pictures of prepubescent children? Chew on this: Obviously the church, and God, approve, seeing as how just about every single priest seems to enjoy the children a little more than the rest of us. Maybe this country should take a good hard look on its stance concerning child pornography. Let us provide equal rights to all flavors of porn enthusiasts.

It’s gettin really fucking hard to be a Nintendo fan these days. Word has it that Nintendo’s planning on delaying Starfox Adventures, AGAIN! Let’s review, shall we?

Reason’s I bought a Gamecube:
1. (That’d be number 1) Starfox Adventures
2. Metroid Prime
3. Your mom

Sure, Rogue Leader, Smash Brothers, and Monkey Ball are fine, but I need a god damned Nintendo style adventure game (one that doesn’t have a time limit). Have I mentioned how much I love the Starfox franchise? I think I have. Fuck, Starfox Adventures started out for the Nintendo 64 as Dinosaur Planet years ago. Rare’s been working on this damned game for so long, I’m starting to worry we’re gunna have another Daikatana on our hands. I’m giving Nintendo until the end of this summer to prove to me they’re still the Blizzard of the console world. If they prove me wrong… Let’s just say I don’t even want to think about the terrible consequences that might entail.

Wait a second. Nintendo has already released ports of Super Mario Brothers 2 and Super Mario World to the Gameboy Advance and they plan on releasing ports of Super Mario Brothers 3 and Yoshi’s Island as well. As if theses weren’t good enough, it’s only a matter of time before a brand new GBA Mario game, in all its 2-D glory, is released upon the world. Plus they have a new Metroid game and a new Fire Emblem game headed for the GBA too. In addition, Squaresoft is releasing games to the Gamecube and GBA now. Dammit, who am I kidding? I love you Nintendo!