Life among the grasses is a difficult and trying experience. Though the nirvana of higher karmic planes is dearly sought after by many, few realize the perils of such pursuits. For instance, little mention is made of predatory memes that stalk unwary souls deep in trance.

Not having evolved to live in higher energy states, humans who prematurely push themselves up into greater realms are especially vulnerable to creatures who call such places “home.” Yet, to become one with the grass, I must do precisely this. The primordial ’self’ of the grass resides at levels oft frequented by such memetic animals.

Those who insist on communing with the grass run the risk of returning to earthly planes an empty shell. However, the rewards of a good merge with the grass spirit can be immense. Especially if one values a healthy, green lawn.

Starfox Adventures is 80 hours long and comes on two discs? Thank you Rare.

I was watching the tv late last night, and I realized that it was right. I couldn’t explain it; it was as though I had finally realized something I had known all the time. An entire lifetime of worry and uncertainty melted away in the blink of an eye. It was just… …right.

I knew my place in the world, and I knew my place in the higher planes. Immediately, I set out to spread the word. I had to let everyone know. The signs were all there, and the tv show was drawing to a close.

I was too late, though. My newfound faith left me as soon as my buttocks lifted from the couch.

The radio beckons to me.

I have some good news and some bad news…

First, the good news: e-mail links are now working, Back To Top buttons are functioning, there is a new Warcraft 3 Replay from Capn Piet available on the Warcraft 3 Replay page, and Vector_Black’s DORK Club Drinking Game is now online.

Unfortunately, I am still playing through Xenogears, the game with no redeeming qualities what so ever.

The angry annelid began spouting nonsense at me. I spouted right back.

Yes, my last update did quote suck unquote. Yes, I have been known to delete such quote sucky unquote updates in the past. However, I realize there are far worse things on this site. Seeing as how I am allowing them to continue their existence here, I might as well let one extra post survive as well.

Wedge55 Is Pissed
This Episode’s Update’s Topic: dork.com
I thought it was strange that my web traffic had decreased dramatically since June. Whereas before 30-40 hits a day was the norm, I was down to 5-15. One day, while doing to dork.com/dorkclub in order to check said site’s Extreme Tracker, I was met with an unpleasant surprise. The site was down, and in fact had been down since June 15. As every Internet user who runs this site knows, dork.com is hard up for cash. In order to generate some much needed funds they began charging new members a one time $5 start up fee in order to get a dork.com account, e-mail address, and webspace. Luckily, those of us who were long time members did not have to pay a cent - until now. Not only did dork.com want all existing members to pay a $5 fee by June 15 in order to keep their account, but any account holders who failed to make the deadline had to instead shell out a healthy $10. Personally, I think paying even $5 for what they offer is a huge rip-ff. If I wanted five whole megabites of web space, a piss-poor e-mail address, and access to worthless forums, I would sign up at Geocities for free. So, now I have lost dork.com/dorkclub, which housed the Super Sentence and thus sent a steady stream of child porn enthusiasts my way. What really pisses me off, is that the people who run dork.com, the extremely talentless band “The Dorks,” completely destroyed the URL I had been using for nearly three years despite the fact that I was one of the very first people to create an account at dork.com and was the only person who came to their first dork.com chat. I chatted with all four of them and after showing them my old AOL hosted site, was personally asked to move my site to dork.com. At least I can have some peace of mind knowing that where dork.com once had over 1000 hosted sites, it now has 302. Hopefully they will go belly up soon enough so I can snatch up their domain name.

When I look out the window, the sun brightens almost imperceptibly. The clouds swirl above in mathematical patterns — fractals off into the distant horizon. Plants within several hundred feet of me grow at an accelerated pace, and animals enter a period of heightened activity.

People around me change slightly. The dominant personality within the mind remains present, but attitudes of those nearby shift to align themselves more with my train of thought. And day by day, I find that my psychic influence grows.

As I continue to grow and transcend, the minds of surrounding people will no longer be nudged into a new alignment. They will be destroyed. Everywhere I walk, a trail of shattered personalities will follow in my wake as their minds are swept away within my sphere of influence, temporarily becoming me. Plants and animals will die as my glory grows and I begin to radiate gamma and x-ray wavelengths. Eventually, humans will be instantly reduced to charred husks as they gaze upon my glory, and my energy will heat the surrounding atmosphere into a raging firestorm.

In the final stages of my ascension into godhood, any direct contact with the planet’s surface will release enough thermal energy into the continental plate to instantly cause catastrophic cracks as it heats up and expands. I will be able to call matter and energy into existence through sheer force of will, and will likely end up converting most of the mass of the universe into links of pork sausage by accident.

I am drawn inexorably towards my own personal apotheosis, and I am terrified.

(except for the sausage part, the above was fictional)

I’ve made minor updates to just about every single page here at The DORK club. However, few of them are even noticeable. I love pouring hours into my site and having next to nothing to show for it.

New to the site are two sections, both of which are linked to on the left. The first, cleverly titled “About,” serves as a condensed version of both the FAQ and History of The DORK Club features which have long since been removed. Next, we have the Warcraft 3 Replays page which, just as the title suggests, supplies Warcraft 3 Replays for all your voyeuristic pleasures. It is listed as a completely separate entity rather than included in the Articles Page as I plan to regularly update it with new and exciting replays.

All previous updates are now archived. This should supply minutes of fun for all one of my daily visitors.

Finally, The Episode Archive is no more, as every single episode was utter garbage. Considering the quality of content on this site, you know when I call something garbage, it’s pretty fucking bad. Sadly, The DORK Club without any Transformers content just doesn’t seem like The DORK Club. I would like to write a four part article discussing the history of the Transformers complete with character analyses, some plot synopses, and a rather lengthy discussion of Bob Skir’s lack of talent and how Japan, Hasbro, and Mr. Skir joined forces to destroy what was shaping up to be one of the greatest sci-fi epics of all time. Remember when Star Wars was one of the greatest sci-fi epics of all time? Yeah, me too. Too bad about that…

On a more masochistic note, I plan on playing through Xenogears, from the beginning, for the first time ever. The last time I tried, it was roughly a year ago and I barely made it into the first disc before becoming utterly disgusted with it. Still, a strange desire burns within me to see furry animals crucified. Pray for me fellow reader, (HA! THERE’S NO “S”! I’M SO FUNNY!!!!11) I’ll need all the help I can get.

Yes, that update was as bad as it seemed.

Having come from an AOL background, possessing an e-mail address which is not actively being sold to the highest bidder by those who own and operate it is a real godsend. You can imagine my surprise when I found my virtual inbox flooded with spam this evening. Well, relatively flooded with spam, as I had all of one pieces of spam occupying my mailbox. Apparently, a “Jennifer Wells” had sent me a “FunnyCard” which, after changing my homepage, wanted me to feed it five e-mail addresses in order to “verify who [I was].” (End quotation mark usage) I have been away from AOL for so long, I had nearly forgotten things like this happen. Thank you Internet for not allowing me to forget the kind of jerks who call this place home.

Anywho, among my new messages was a piece of electronic mail from one Jeremy Parish, yes that Jeremy Parish, pointing out that he had in fact been titling his posts long since I had even considered it. It looks as though, as usual, I was wrong. At least he responded to my baseless accusations, unlike some people, and I didn’t even have to e-mail him about it.

Tomorrow: Archived updates return and The Episode Archive will be (officially) removed! Fun to be had by all.

Fucking Mike