When it comes to video games, I generally appreciate those which require jumping to and from platforms over all others. Make me jump on things, and chances are I’ll be happy. What can I say, I’m a product of the 2D era, where nearly all games, from Metroid to Sonic The Hedgehog, involved jumping on, to, and from floating platforms of various size, shape, and color. (dorkclub.com record: most commas in a sentence) It was a good time to be a gamer.

Other genres, however, are a mixed bag for me. Take for example the genre of the console RPG, otherwise known as the genre that Squaresoft built. For every Chrono Trigger, Chrono Cross, or Final Fantasy VIII that comes along there are just as many Xenogears, Secret of Evermores, or Final Fantasy VIIs. That’s right, I’m probably the only fool on the Internet who runs an obscure personal site and doesn’t like Final Fantasy VII. Flame me…now! While I like the concepts behind the games, most developers rely too heavily on them and never bother with innovation.

Then there’s the relatively new genre of games which refers to members of its ranks as a Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game, or MMORPG for short. MMORPGs have long since existed in the form of MUDs, but only in the last five years have really began to explode as full-blown 3D money makers. Why? The genre thrives on repetition and false replay value, yet manages to earn any developer who embraces it millions of dollars. I think I’ve figured out the secrets behind this, and will now present them in a little something I like to call, The MMORPG: A Design Perspective.

Today, I would like to discuss gelato.

The majority of my life has centered around that tasty European treat we all know as “gelato.” Though it looks like ordinary ice cream, gelato contains less air. With less air in the mix, the makers of gelato use less butterfat. This yields an ice cream that is much heavier than conventional varieties and, at the same time, leaves a far less greasy feeling.

Until just recently, the majority of my soul was composed of gelato. Eventually most of it crystallized into such useful things as “morality,” “character,” “courage,” and “evil.” Before that, however, most of my spiritual composition was simply… gelato. Heavy, chocolaty, delicious gelato.

It’s strange to think of gelato as producing “evil.” Though in retrospect, I suppose, no stranger than my reckless string of experimentation with my Earth-Destroy-O-Ray.

(vector_black is not his brain)

Why do I even bother having a staff to “help” me run this site? Simple, because one day I’m finally going to come to terms with what a terrible idea this whole staff concept is and can them all. Until that day comes, let’s continue to add new staffers so I’ll have more people to “fire.”

Although the Staff Page does not reflect it, dorkclub.com has a new staff member. Long time DORK Club members (none of whom visit this site) will remember Harisn as an active participator in The Old DORK Club. (Note to self: quit referencing “Old DORK Club.” Quit taking actions which require you to do so.) Who knows, maybe this will start a chain reaction and cause long lost DORK Club regulars like Dragoon x6 or King Vudu to make a triumphant return. (Note to self: it won’t.)

In the future, optical discs will become currency, and they will be used to purchase lightsabers. DVDs will be our dollars. CDs will be our change. Before long, America Online will control this new currency. Every economy will be based on AOL’s free trial CDs. America Online will be able to flood any economy with near infinite currency. The threat of hyperinflation will keep people in line. However, people are arrogant, and every economy will fall as they dare to defy the will of AOL. A single bastion of hope will remain…Wedge55. Lightsaber in hand, he will lead the rebellion against AOL. But AOL will not fall, as Wedge55 is bought off with a mound of shiny plastic.

An index of my behavioral patterns for today

Wake up.
Bathe.
Breakfast.
Sit.
Stand.
Sit.
Conquer my fears.
Stand.
Sit.
Perform proteolysis.
Give in to despair.

(vector_black feels he’s done enough for one day)

In the future, the Internet will become reality, and webmasters will have lightsabers. Web sites will be our cities. Web pages will be our homes. Before long, the pornography sites will control this new reality. Every city, from smallkittens.com to oakfurnature.ca will be overrun with their army of leather-clad men and women. Those who die will be the lucky ones. Those who live will have the sex-filled nightmare that becomes their lives broadcast across the world via webcam. Every site will fall. Save one. A single bastion of hope will remain…dorkclub.com. Wedge55, lightsaber in hand, will remain; ready to do battle against the coming threat. However, said threat will not come. For the land of dorkclub.com will not be worth conquering.

Ideas I can do. Ideas I can do well. It’s the whole “execution” thing which seems to be my hang up. Case in point: The Top 25 Video Games of All Time. Now, such an idea would work perfectly well on a site such as Gamespot, Gamespy, Gameforms, or any other site with an URL that happens to include “game.” However, on an obscure personal site which averages 20 hits a day, such an idea is like just asking for failure. See, it isn’t like the collective will of the world has it out for me, forever forcing me into a life of failure and misery. No, it’s the fact that I try stunts like this, things which don’t have the slightest possibility of succeeding, that leads to my constant unsuccessfulness. In case you were wondering, yes, if I do not get enough input, I will be creating the list of the top 25 games based solely on my opinions. Besides, does your opinion really even matter? Protip: not on the Internet.

Yesterday my boss asked me to work Wednesday morning rather than Wednesday night. This means I’ll be able to purchase and play one “Super Mario Sunshine” earlier than was originally anticipated. Good times will follow. Most of which involving virtual water, sludge, and shining. If there’s one genre of games I enjoy, it’s the platformer and if there’s one genre of games this generation’s been lacking, it’s the platformer. Unless you count Luigi’s Mansion or Dexter and Jax, which I don’t. Well, Dexter and Jax I do count, but a lack of a PS2 slightly hampers my ability to play it.

I’ve also managed to find two places from which to obtain a Pink Pre-Modded Game Boy Advance with Afterburner. The thing is, one sells said product for $105 and includes a dimmer switch while the other sells it, sans dimmer switch, for $135. I’m afraid I’m going to go with the more expensive establishment’s offer, as the other place is a seedy joint in Hong Kong which demands I pay them, with Paypal, long before the product is shipped. Besides, who needs a dimmer switch and $30? I can easily suffer through one less GBA game and washed out colors if it means I will actually have a Game Boy Advance. And a pink one at that.

Now, TV NEWS! What’s up with Farscape having its season finale so soon? Is it just me, or was this season ridiculously short? I guess I’ll let it slip, as the “Grandma” character is by far my favorite character from any fictional work ever. Speaking of Farscape, I highly recommend you download the Farscape game demo. It’s certainly good for a laugh as it is the definitive example of shovelware.

Where are those two articles I promised? On my hard drive. One’s a little untimely at the moment while the other is far too ambitious for anything but the biggest of gaming sites. Check back later today as I update the Staff Page, Warcraft 3 Replay Page, and ancient M*A*S*H article and turn them into something a little less embarrassing.

End Rambling Sequence

*UPDATE* (Saturday, August 24 2002 – 12:34:56 PM)

Said pages are now updated.

I was right! Season 4 of Farscape was only 11 episodes long, half as long as all previous seasons!

I am not my brain. I am not my brain. Oh god, it’s watching me. I am not my brain. I am not my brain. The computer monitor is putting radiation into me. What if it gives me cancer? What if I really am my brain? No! I am not my brain. I am not my brain. It’s going to eat me.

I am not my brain. It’s going to eat me.

(vector_black just wants you to know. He is not his brain.)

Reasons why vector_black is unworthy:

He recycles insufficiently. He knows reading and writing, but not ‘rithmetic. Breakfast for him is merely a meal. His knowledge is not power. He stands on the outside looking in. He believes rice to be a valuable commodity. His future sits perpetually a handsbreadth out of his reach. A frisbee is no fun for him if it isn’t moving. His bouncy green ball won’t bounce. Last week, he was subverted by the dominant paradigm. He turns in aimless circles. Raindrops keep falling on his head. He is not USDA selected. He blinks every so often. He carries dangerous memes. He ran with scissors. He tried to stop plate tectonics. At the end of the day, a packet of silica gel still holds endless possibilites. And finally, with him, only time will tell.

(vector_black is the sole member of the vector_black Worthiness Council)