I’ve given up trying to make this site display properly in other browsers. Maybe if I actually knew the limitations of other browsers, and you know, this crazy HTML thing, I could do it. But I don’t, so I can’t. It displays 100% accurately in IE6 and 99% accurately in Netscape 7, what more do you want from me?

For the two of you in the back with no concept of time, today’s Halloween. There’s something special about a day that promotes dressing up like a fool and acting like an idiot. Especially when you can get candy for it. However, around here, October 31 has a little more significance. One year ago today, I decided to turn a dying (dead) online club into a pointless personal page. Actually, this site was going to serve as an archive for the club’s episodes (read: newsletters) while this space was reserved for such exciting things as “Updated Links Page.” It wasn’t before January that I realized what a horrible idea that was. And here we are. To celebrate (in the dullest meaning of the word), I’ve prepared some special treats for everybody.

First, we have a brand new article. It’s about Beast Machines. And One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Chances are there isn’t a single person on the Internet who is interested in both. Just in case there is, I peppered the thing with Transformers references, so nobody will understand. Even the article’s tagline is lost on all but the most devote of fans. Oh well, I write most of this stuff for myself anyway. In case you’re wondering, I never did find that image of Charlie Cheswick I needed. Curse you Internet, you may have won the battle, but I will win the war!

I’ve also gone and added several screenshots to the infamous MMORPG article. They would’ve been there sooner, but some staff members don’t know the meaning of the word “now.” I should also mention I now know the glory of ALT tags. Unfortunately, that means you have to deal with them too.

This is one hell of a celebration.

I think I’ll go celebrate not here.

With the exception of maybe two hours of time, I’ve been working on DORK Club related subjects since 1:00 this afternoon. Needless to say, updating is not really something I’m 100% into doing right now. Still, here I am. Just consider this a warning; I have no idea what I’m about to type, so if it’s a little extra worse than usual, keep in mind I’ve been editing graphics, html files, and word documents pretty consistently for the last nine hours. Here goes.

Apparently Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is out today. Not “release” out, but “in stores” out. Unfortunately, I just don’t care. I wasn’t a very big fan of the first two games in the series. The missions all seemed too repetitive and uninspired. For the most part, I used both games (or the demos there of) as a test to see how many police officers I could kill in five minutes. Unfortunately, that experience didn’t translate so well to Grand Theft Auto 3. The sloppy aiming mechanism and so-so camera made it difficult to achieve anywhere near the levels of mayhem which were possible in previous installments. I was disappointed. Sure, the game featured some terrific open-ended gameplay and one of the liveliest worlds put to CD, but it didn’t seem to be the holy grail of gaming everyone was claiming it to be.

Although, I must admit, Vice City looks far more interesting than any of the other Grand Theft Auto games have been. I totally dig the 80’s theme and Rockstar’s ability to provide a few more open ends to an already open design. Personally, I’d like to see them try to tackle something else. You know, like a game with jumping…and platforms! It’s really great that the company has been refining the same game for several years now, but I really don’t think we need another Squaresoft, just using a different genre as their crutch. But that’s a tangent I’m not going into today. Just chalk that one up my inability to organize thoughts on the fly. This is live Internet, folks. Not nearly as exciting as live television, is it?

Lots of hip buzz words in this update. Here’s hoping Google caches me today. Chrono break cross trigger.

Exciting things are happening here at The DORK Club - not necessarily exciting to you, the dorkclub.com reader, or to anyone else for that matter, but exciting things nonetheless. Soon every page on this site will display with 100% accuracy across all browsers. Soon we will have one brand new article along with major alterations to two already available articles (think of them as special editions). Ah yes, this is the definition of excitement. Hold on to your seats folks, because on Halloween, it all goes live, and none of you will even notice.

(Wedge55 misses Farscape and vector_black)

If I could just write an article a week, that would be amazing. Hell, if I could just write an article every other week, that would be amazing. As it is, I have trouble writing a single article every thirty days. Oh well, it’s not like any of my massive readership cares. With that in mind, I present to you another update written for the sake of updating.

What is it with people who play online games? Is there a reason they all have to call themselves things like InfiniteLimit, Chaos_Wing, or xXxDaRkFlAmExXx? You see, I’ve been playing a lot of Warcraft 3 this weekend and, while I feel the game is flawless, the fact that I have to play it with some of this nation’s dumbest really takes a lot out of the experience. Sure, I love calling people “gay,” using the word “u,” and speaking in some unholy form of broken English as much as the next guy, but do we really have to do it all the time.

Of course, being such a caring soul and all, I always take it upon myself to try to teach my fellow man the intricate workings of this thing we call language. When somebody asks me “wutz ur plan, irish,” I’m quick to point out that “wutz” is actually spelled “what’s,” “ur” isn’t even close to being a real word, and the name I’m using happens to be IrishFolkDancer. Their response is usually commenting on my sexual preference, which they seem to think is incredibly clever. The thing is, I just don’t get it. Is saving yourself a whopping five seconds of time really worth looking like a complete idiot? I guess it must be, because one look at any chat log from any online game will quickly prove exactly that. wtf iz wrong wit peepz/ they b gay lol j/k ;-)

Confidential to PopcornChicken: I plumb forgot. If it makes you feel any better, I’ll be around tomorrow. Maybe. Although I doubt I’ll be of any use to you, I remember all that rotational stuff about as well as I remember Billy’s monologue about his prostitutional exploits from Xenogears. I would just rather block some things from my memory

You think you know what’s difficult? You have no idea. Difficult is knowing that a Metroid Fusion rom is actively circulating the Internet. Difficult is knowing that you have a completely functional GBA emulator on your computer. Difficult is knowing you will have to wait until November 18 to play what many others already are. Maybe I will download it. You know, just for a taste. I’ll think of it as a demo, checking it out to make sure it will be worth my hard earned coin. I mean, I’ll stay pay for the game. I’ll still spend $30 dollars on something twenty days from now which I could have for free in minutes. Something I’ll play on a three-inch screen rather than a seventeen-inch monitor. Come on, a little peak won’t hurt…

I must be strong…

I must be strong…

But I’m so weak…

UPDATE: It’s been less than an hour and I’ve already downloaded the rom and played it for roughly ten minutes before realizing that (A) it’s glorious and (B) playing it in this emulated state feels dirty. Besides, the sound doesn’t even work. I have removed the unholy beast from my computer.

Right. So let’s explain my organization system. There are ten Microsoft Word documents and a single text file resting compfortably on my desktop. When I decide to update this site, I first pick a Word document at random, and then type my update there to be grammar checked and spell checked prior to being posting. The text file, called The List, is a running list of ideas, kind of like a virtual ten-mile sticky note. Except not yellow. Or sticky. The word files, for those of you who care, are named MMORPG, New Microsoft Word Document (2), Nugget, New Microsoft Word Document, Warcraft, Transformers, Strangelove, MMORPG2, and New Microsoft Word Document (3). And yes, that’s the order they appear on my desktop.

Tonight I really didn’t feel like writing something new for an update (that plan seems to have failed), and was searching through my archives for something I could use. You see, for every update you read here, chances are I have two or three you’ll never see. That’s right, there’s stuff so bad I won’t even post it here. And here you were thinking I had no standards. While searching through Nugget, I came across the following letter I submitted to Gameforms a month or two ago which they didn’t feel was worth posting. That’s why my site’s here, to serve as a garbage dump for content not fit for any other site. We’re the island of misfit toys! Right. Maybe Ian Samuel will even read this update and respond to my “letter.” Maybe.

When it comes to online gaming, one choice is clear. The pay-for-play system, as pioneered by Microsoft’s XBox Live, is undoubtedly the best of the three proposed online models. Companies like Blizzard Entertainment continually produce low budget games like Warcraft 3 and Diablo 2 which require free online support if they hope to turn any form of profit. After all, these games are not going to sell on their franchise name alone. Sony and Nintendo’s method of leaving everything up to the game developers themselves is also bound to fail as neither company has sold enough consoles, nor has enough third party support for said consoles, to warrant the use of this system. Such a system requires a massive user base for any third party companies to even think about turning a profit. Besides, who is willing to shell out for the third party games announced for both systems? Games by sub-standard developers such as Sega and Squaresoft do not stand a chance in the fiercely competitive industry of console gaming. Luckily, Microsoft had the consumer in mind when creating their pay-for-play system. This way, users pay a single, all-inclusive, price in order to play any XBox game which supports online play. If developers know that an online network is already in place and do not have to worry about establishing one themselves, they will be more likely to include online content in their games. This means less focus on things like “playability” and “polish” and more focus on hip online mini-games. If there’s one thing this industry needs, its hip online mini-games. I just hope Nintendo manages to incorporate online play into their XBox port of Super Mario Sunshine.

Wedge55, who likes presenting his thoughts in a single, unorganized, paragraph.

On an unrelated note, it’s nice LeadPipe takes the time to write for sites where he isn’t a staff member.

Web site fixed. It now displays properly in every browser except Netscape 4, which doesn’t seem to want to stretch my image out to 100% of my table. Oh well, such is life. Besides, there is a very free Netscape 7 out there, so you should have no reason not to view this page in all its glory.

I remember when I used to be good at video games. That was a long time ago. I remember a time when the fight with Death was the only part of Castlevania that offered me any sort of challenge. Now, I can’t even finish level 2. Similarly, I remember Fantasy Zone as being an easy shooter, good for a quick play through. In the last year or so, I’ve managed to beat the first boss once. What’s happened to me? Where have my “l337 skillz” gone?

Nowadays, games don’t keep you coming back with mind-numbing difficulty. Instead, they just set meaningless “collect them all” objectives as a means for replay value. Be it shine sprites, dog tags, or monsters that fit in your pocket, the fact that every game has become a collect-a-thon has caused my gaming muscles to become flaccid. It’s no longer about memorizing patterns, honing reflexes, or exploiting design flaws. Now, completely mastering a game is determined only by one’s ability to stomach repetitive collecting.

Still, there are still plenty of new games which let me jump on things with furry corporate mascots. At the end of the day, that’s all I really want.

Tonight has been a learning experience. I’m now the proud owner of every web browser known to man and I’m proud to report this page doesn?t display properly in any of them. The tracker, in its previous form, actually displays properly when using both Opera and Netscape while it’s newest incarnation seems to work only with Internet Explorer. Also, I feel I should explain something for all those Netscape users out there. Horizontal rules appear to display a little odd in your browser of choice. For the rest of us, those horizontal rules exactly match the color of all those the gray lines which dominate this site’s design. Plus, they actually touch that vertical bar running down the side here, which makes this site look significantly less pathetic. Oh well, I guess it’s back to the drawing board. Expect some sort of updated site design sometime in the near never. Maybe I’ll actually learn something about HTML before pumping this one out. Right after I write that article. And conquer the world with an army of ninja fish.

UPDATE: It displays even worse on Netscape 4.78, the default browser here in one of the campus’ computer labs.

The Screen Savers

Subcategory> Martin Sargent: The Man, The Myth.

Style. Eloquence. These are the hallmarks of a Martin Sargent journalistic presentation. His keen analytical ability and incisive wit combined with far-reaching foresight turn each of his stories into a work of techno-literate art. The depth of his intellect and search engine prowess allow him to shed light on the dusty corners of the Internet to enlighten and entertain his devotees. I believe I speak for all of us when I say, “Well done, Martin, and keep up the excellent work!”

Plus he has mad skillzors in…. uh.. something. (vector spoke in l337! Kill him!)

On an unrelated note, most of the above paragraph was composed of lies. If I’m lucky, Morgan Webb or Megan Morrone will come and kick my ass. If I’m lucky.

(vector_black watches some shows religiously, and others not so much. This makes him unique among television-watching human beings)

EAR!

It is our sole duty to maximize our stupidity. But, when doing so it is careful that we make sure that what we do is stupid.

First, and foremost we need to recognize that there are two types of stupidity. Pointlessness and Ignorance.

I’d explain more but I fear that would lead to a lack of stupidity.