Okay, so I lied about today being the last day to vote for the top 25 video games of all time. It’s not that I’m a bad person, it’s just that I have no concept of time. November 30… December 1… it’s all the same to me. Today, December 1, 2002, is actually the final day we (I) will be accepting votes. Who am I kidding? Everyone who’s going to vote has already done so. Except for PopcornChicken, but we expect that from him. It’s really a shame some staffers don’t post here more often. If they did, I wouldn’t feel so weird mentioning them. I mean, if it came down to it, could any of you tell the difference between an update written by LeadPipe and one by PopcornChicken? I didn’t think so. Oh well, it’s probably for the best. The less often they post, the more time my posts spend on the top of this page, keeping my ego in check for another day.

Tomorrow, I’m heading back to Davis, which means I’ll once again have access to my sweet, sweet Word files. No more writing things off the top of my head for me - it’s back to copying several unrelated paragraphs I wrote three months ago and pasting them into a single update. Joy.

Lemon: useless
Paper: useless
Lymph node: useless
Tuna: useless
Alcohol: useless
Scapula: useless, but doubly so
Scissors: a possibility, but needs more development
Trash can: useless
Soda can: useless, except for the sharp edges
Cholinesterase: useless
Bracers: useless
Sabatons: useless
Pineal gland: useless
Soy: weapon of choice

(vector_black says, “I am not a crook.”)

The hardest part of writing a book is not accidentally ripping off other people’s work that you see while you’re working on it.

For instance, last night I was working on my current project, when I noticed things were slowing down a little. I did some thinking and decided to introduce a new character into the mix to get things moving again. His name is E.S. Gharp. He’s a writer, and he’s got this crazy nurse mom who’s also writing, and raped this catatonic pilot guy to have a baby. And he has all these affairs and his wife has one too, and then things get really crazy.

My plan worked brilliantly. This new, completely original subplot has really revitalized my novel, which is now about a zillion pages long, and has ensured me a place in the best-sellers lists and literary history. I’m told a young Robin Williams and a not-decrepit Glenn Close are in talks for the big screen adaptation.

My next book? American Deities.

(DORK Club made 99% more literary by Manatee, who hopes to God that wasn’t over anybody’s head. Because that would just be sad.)

Forget family, football, and turkey (I tried so hard to make that an alliteration, but “foul” in place of turkey just wasn’t doing it for me.), candied yams are what Thanksgiving is all about. The sickeningly sweet combination of nature’s sweetest vegetable, marshmallows, and more varieties of sugars than there are versions of Optimus Prime, makes for one satisfying dish. As for those terrible stomach pains I had last night, we’ll blame the miniscule amount of turkey I downed rather than the half-ton of that sticky-sweet mess.

Only one week to go before The DORK Club turns the big 5, and The DORK Club 5 Year Anniversary Feature: The Top 25 Video Games of ALL TIME, goes live. I guess I should start working on that. Being the master of forethought that I am, I forgot to bring any of my “tools,” like Photoshop or Dreamweaver, home with me. Looks like I’ll have to settle for doing everything in Microsoft Word for now and hoping it all fits when I transfer it. Tomorrow’s the last (official) day to vote, but don’t worry about remembering that, I’ll do my best to remind you tomorrow too.

Oh, and I’m now hopelessly addicted to Phantasy Star Online: Worst Subtitle Ever thanks to PopcornChicken. With any luck, I’ll be able to pry myself away long enough to lead a productive life. And here I was promising I’d never pay for an online game of any kind. I suck.

Our one Thanksgiving extravagance, aside from enough food to feed a West African tribe’s tapeworm ridden children for a month, was renting three movies and buying another. The rentals were Ice Age, Powerpuff Girls, and that really, really long version of The Lord of the Rings. Er, the more recent really, really long one. We bought Men in Black II.

We’re DVD people now, because things look good on it. A movie theatre is where I go if I want to make out with my girlfriend semi-discreetly for two and a half hours. Otherwise I like to just rent them and watch at home, assuming I can wait that long. I do not buy DVD’s for the special features. I am, as a rule, disappointed by any movie released without them, as per The Truman Show, but this does not mean that I actually watch or enjoy them. It is simply nice to know that if I ever become a really big loser, they will be there.

My little brothers do not share this philosophy. They think it is essential to watch every featurette, vignette, cartoon short, feature trailer, and magic 8-ball the DVD people feel it is necessary to package with their movie. So they were watching Ice Age, which isn’t much of anything for those of you who have doubted your decision to avoid it, and then they decided it was time to go special feature hunting. After exhausting all the other obnoxious reminders of the movie I had just let swallow whole an hour and a half of my life, they got to the “Ice Age International” bit. Which is one of those hysterical features they put on DVD’s where they show you a scene from the movie, and show you parts of that scene in different languages. I’m not sure what the point of this is. There’s this initial moment where you’re vaguely amused by seeing the ridiculous dialogue you’ve already suffered through once, and noticing that though you can’t understand a word the characters are saying, it adds and detracts precisely nothing from your viewing experience.

After that, the best you can do is making a bigoted comment about how dumb Cantonese sounds. Cantonese does sound dumb, but I’m just not sure why the DVD people needed to do this to make me admit that.

Getting in here is, like, so easy. Seriously. Write in to Wedge, mention that your old web co-workers don’t like you anymore and nobody reads your current site. Just for yucks. With these kind of credentials, you’re good as gold.

So, we’ve all got Metroid now, right? Everybody’s weighed in on it? Neat. I think it’s swell. Of course, I won’t be able to finish it for months, because I can play a maximum of one hour at a time–and that’s if I want to feel queasy for the next two. First person shooters, Spyro the Dragon games, and that Scooby Doo movie all make me want to vomit. The first two are because of motion sickness. So, I totally dizzig the whole Mizzetroid thizzing, but it still induces fits of almost vomiting. Perhaps the fact that I’m still playing it is the best recommendation I can give.

Scooby Doo, though. Woo. Don’t watch that.

My Lychee Machine is nearly complete; when it’s done, nothing will be able to stop me. Nothing!

My enemies will be destroyed under a well-refrigerated flood of small, round fruit suspended in a light syrup. A delicious light syrup of doom!

Insert dramatic fenestration here.

(vector_black knows he shouldn’t, but that’s never stopped him before.)

I’m off to spend some time with friends, family, and the occasional loved one. While I will have access to a computer, don’t expect any updates from me. Aw, don’t fret, there’ll be plenty of others around here to keep you company. The DORK Club has a brand spankin’ new staff member, who may or may not be showing his face sometime soon. As usual, the staff page does not yet reflect this. What do expect from me, effort?

Should you not hear from me tomorrow, happy Thanksgiving.

Interesting, but futile. Nothing fans did convinced TNT to bring back Crusade, it’s highest rated show at the time, so why do they think their actions will sway The Scifi Channel, who actually has legitimate reasons for canceling Farscape? The show’s expensive – they build new sets, create new muppets and other animatronic creatures for nearly every episode. Factor in the computer effects and the show’s waning popularity,* and Scifi just doesn’t have enough funding to keep the show alive, despite how “award winning” it may be. Then again, if this somehow works, and Farscape continues its run, in any form, on any network, I’ll be the first one to admit my error in judgment.

*After canceling both Lexx and The Invisible Man (I love the latter and hate the former (sorry, forgot you don’t care)), a large group of fans began to actively boycott the network, Farscape included. So really, the show’s fate is the fault of the fans themselves, and their attempts to revive other dead programs. Or it’s the fault of the evil corporation. It all depends on which over-powered entity you see as eviler; the money-conscious marketing machine or the mindless devotees forced to succumb to its will. You’re right, it’s all Scifi’s fault.

Hi, I’m an asshole webmaster. Ask any of my staff, they’ll tell you just the same.

Metroid Fusion impressions go now! Let me start out by saying Metroid Fusion is a great game. It’s the best game I’ve played for the GBA and another shining example of what makes the Metroid series so great. But it has some serious shortcomings. I have no problem with the more structured design or prominent storyline, what I have a problem with is the rather unusual addition of a point of no return. This “point” is something which has always bothered me about the console RPG. Typically, there comes a point in the game where you are no longer able to freely travel about the game world and are instead confined to some variant of a final dungeon. Remember Final Fantasy VIII? That game is the perfect example of just such a “feature.” Points of no return severely hinder one’s ability to squeeze replay value from an already completed game and can also spell disaster if a player finds themselves past the point, but not strong enough to progress further. While a point of no return is a terrible design decision when it comes to a RPG, in Metroid Fusion it proves to be even more disastrous.

The Metroid series has always been about exploration and Fusion is no exception. There are plenty of missile containers, power bomb expansions, and energy tanks littering the game world (a research space station) just begging to be discovered. Unfortunately, the game’s storyline, and structured style, constantly enforces a state of urgency, tempting the player to dash from upgrade to upgrade – boss fight to boss fight – rather than taking time out to discover the station’s secrets. When the story finally lets up, and gives the player a chance to relax, it’s just before the game’s climatic final battle. At this point, rather than keeping the entire station open to the player, they are left with a single option – the final boss, as every door besides those leading to the boss become sealed. This forces the player to explore early on, rather than later at the height of their power, something which dramatically affects the pacing and general flow of the story. The entire station, ripe with it’s multitude of power-ups, shouldn’t be closed off to the player just before the final battle, at a time when the player needs the hidden rewards most and is in the perfect position to find them. It doesn’t make sense, as it makes finding 100% of the game’s items, something which is now required to unlock one of the game’s many endings, far too difficult than it should be.

I should probably reemphasize that Metroid Fusion is still a terrific game, especially with all of the difficult Contra-esque boss fights. While it may not stray far from the path laid by Super Metroid before it, it’s a worthy follow-up and a great continuation of the series. It’s just not quite what it could have been (for more reasons than points of no return, but I’m sure you’re as bored of reading this as I am of writing it). The game’s no Super Metroid and it’s no Metroid Prime, but it’s one hell of a great game. Too bad Samus’ new suit is so ugly.

If you’re seeing that gray bar to the left of this update for the first time, welcome to the real world. As for the rest of you, mourn the loss of the ALT text which once called that corner of this site home.

The links page has been updated too. Links are now categorized (again) and several new additions have been, well, added. Congratulations to all the new links! Here comes my single daily hit!