“I like to let a prospective date see a little of my underwear. It adds to the ‘mystery.’”

“Computaga actually is the Japanese word for computer.”

“R. Crumb is crazy.”

“I didn’t know vaginas blinked.”

“It’s pronounced neesh!”

Every time somebody on TV starts talking about sports, I go cross eyed.

“Well Kent, this team is really hurting after their last loss, but today’s their chance to change that all. I think they’re going to put the ball in their best player’s hands as much as possible, really push in the offense and push equally if not harder with their defense. They want to win!”

“I agree with you Bob, but I think the other team has an edge coming out of an even more humiliating loss against that other, other team. I think their strategy will be to let their best player do his thing by freeing up the ball for his skilled, silky smooth hands, and just try their best to keep their offense and defense together long enough to win it.”

I’ve got a big time saver for everybody:

“Each team is going to try to win.”

“True dat.”

Generally speaking, when your Sunkist carbonated orange drink ends up completely frozen after sitting in your refrigerator for a few days, chances are your refrigeration device of choice may be set just a tad too low. Luckily, I’ve never been one to harness the powers of logic or reason, so I placed a few recently purchased cartons of yogurt into said fridge without giving it a second thought. Know what happens when yogurt is frozen? It turns into frozen yogurt. Who knew?

I’ve learned a great way to boost your traffic is to make this announcement:

Masturbation is perfectly normal. I do it. You do it.

Wedge does it a little too often, but I’m still proud to shake his hand as often as possible.

E-mail is wonderful stuff. Microsoft Outlook, the E-mail client I use to check my Dork Club adress, is not.

For instance, Wedge will sometimes get viruses. These viruses use his Outlook information to mail me copies of themselves. On AOL, I would be fine. I just open the E-mail, and if it isn’t a five page piece of Cloud/Squall slash fanfiction, I know Wedge didn’t send it to me. So I don’t download the file. The problem with Outlook is, it downloads any file attached to an E-mail the second you open it.

I don’t want a virus. But I have this E-mail from Wedge that it looks like it might be important. Or, then again, it might be a virus. I can’t open it, or I’ll find out the hard way. So I have to wait to do anything with the damn thing until Wedge signs on, and I can ask him what the E-mail says. If he begins to regail me with tales of all the many ways Squall wishes to fellate Cloud’s penis, I will know that all is well. If not, I delete the E-mail. Then Wedge and I discuss the many ways Squall wishes to fellate Cloud’s penis.

Ah, the wonders of technology. Such an efficient means of communication, this “E-mail.”

It’s about time they made it official. Looks like I won’t have to lose my import cherry after all.

I do hate to bring up matters of continuity, but I really enjoyed The DORK Club’s First Annual Search Results of Sadness. So much so, in fact, that we’re going to be doing it again. Right now! Only this time we’ll just call it Search Results of Sadness, because it’s no longer first and it’s no longer annual, but I think that was fairly obvious to most of you. I may or may not turn this thing into some sort of running feature/article. I actually like it quite a bit, because it gives me a chance to be clever and witty (read: lazy and stupid). Right. Search queries.

“System Shock 2″ install “Windows XP” – Last time I checked, it works just fine, even on Microsoft’s latest attempt to suck the soul from every honest human on the planet, God-faring or otherwise.

“timesplitters 2″ “silly hats” – How do you get those silly hats to work? I guess if I knew, we may have had another loyal visitor on our hands. But I don’t. So we don’t. Sorrow.

how wide can the anus be stretched dork club – Hey, it looks like I’m generating some sort of following, albeit a sickeningly disturbing one.

+”rectal diameter” – Maybe a bit too much of a following…

hentain games – MAKE THEM GO AWAY!

You’re right, that was stupid. I’ll never do this again.

I somehow knew the minute I posted my impressions on Shinobi that I was going to regret it. I just HAD to complain about the supposed lack of wall-running. As it turns out, immediately following the obnoxious period of hardly any wall-running at all that I was stuck in, there came a level where there wasn’t actually any ground. Just water that a single wrong move could toss you directly into.

This is what I love about that Hotsuma guy: his PRINCIPLES. “I don’t mind defying the law of gravity,” he confided, “I just don’t think I can swim with that much clothing on!”

After that level, as if I hadn’t learned my lesson, there was a section where you had to wall run to avoid lasers, get past pits, and huge sections during which wall running was all you could hope to accomplish. Then there was an impossibly hard boss fight where wall running was like breathing, in that you could not go long without doing it and hope to survive.

So I take that back. In looking at a walkthrough for some help on how to kill a blind man I also learned what all the extras are, and I have to say that I have seen few games so skillfully dedicated to keeping me interested. I’m currently stuck on a four-armed fat guy, and Shinobi gets all the approval I can possibly give.

I do, however, have one complaint: What kind of tanks are these, that bleed?

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – ideas I can do, execution is my hang up. Today’s proof: The DORK Club Forums. Only this time, I’m not entirely to blame, as both vector_black and Manatee played a miniscule part in its creation. You can all thank Manatee for the lovely forum graphic and vector_black for those cute, clever, and sometimes disturbing user ranks. All staff ranks were just copy-pasted from the staff page. It’s called efficiency. I know you’re all (not) anxious to click that shiny green link, but stick around for a few minutes - I have some even more embarrassing things to show you.

After my previous failures at creating a DORK Club forum (you know, back when we had more staff than visitors), I figured it was time to give it another go. I thought having a forum where loyal dorkclub.com readers (you know who you are) could intelligently discuss all the topics of the day was a splendid little idea. Besides, I certainly wasn’t capable enough to get a comments system working, so we needed some alternatives. But when the first post, from your very own webmaster, read “ur a fuck” followed by a string of random emticons and a pointless quote, all hope was lost. Oh well, even after readers have tired of calling each other “gay” and posting their “cosplay pics” it’ll still be a convenient place for the staff to insult each other.

I remember very distinctly putting the CD-R into my walkman. I remember just as clearly the experience of doing the dishes while I listened to the music of Neutral Milk Hotel. I remember rinsing them, loading them into the dishwasher, and everything. I remember that I was mad at my dad.

I went into my room when my task was done, put the CD player down on my dresser, and sat down at my desk. I was considering writing, but first wanted to know what was in my stereo. So I opened it up, and there was a nameless CD-R inside–just like the one I was sure I had been listening to in my walkman only minutes before. I turned the stereo on and there it was: the music of Neutral Milk Hotel. I opened my walkman. It was empty.

I ran out into the living room, shouting incoherently. I did my best to explain all this, step by step. When I was finished, they were convinced that I had simply put the CD in and forgotten about it. But I would have had to forget it in the space of twenty seconds. I’m not THAT stupid. And I was mad at the time. I don’t DO things while I’m mad, such as putting a CD that was in one thing into another thing. I sit down and be mad.

They don’t believe me, and I could rationalize that I am indeed stupid or out of my mind. But I’m not stupid, I’ve only ever been slightly out of my mind, and I don’t believe in rationalizations.

I swear to God, when I posted that I thought someone else would post something else soon, quickly scrolling it down and out of the immediate notice of our readers. But nobody did. I’m partly dissappointed, but mostly terrified.I bought Shinobi yesterday. I’ll get to that in a minute.

What was interesting was that I was in Funcoland, and the clerk who helped me was a girl, and she STILL knew what was what. The Funcolands in my area have done a pretty terrible job where staff is concerned, hiring grumpy middle aged men who really don’t want to be there as often as twenty something slackers with no clue what they’re looking at. It was amazing that I didn’t have to talk down to her simply because of the place that had decided to hire her, let alone her genitalia and mammary glands*.

Anyway, Shinobi: I’m a bit late on this, but it rocks. That cape is sweet. The stealth dash is something I want in every video game from now on. I also want it retro-actively added onto all existing games. Even the ones that it’s impossible to do so. Wall running is optional, but I think Crash Bandicoot and Mario would both benefit from it a lot.

My one complaint about the game is that while it LOOKS and FEELS very cool, careful observers will find it to be fundamentally shallow. Not that I’m expecting that much from a brawler, after all, but it seems to me that in a game where wall running is so easy and well implemented, it would be a good idea to have a good deal more wall running. I’m only at stage 4-B, maybe there’s a lot more levels after this and maybe they’re brimming over with wall running, I don’t know. But as it is I think the game could be just a bit deeper with very little extra work.

*No, I am not a sexist. How many girl gamers do YOU know?