She chose her reign title to be “Iron Fist of Ambiguity.” Long may she live.

Her brother, a lawyer feared throughout the realm, would later earn the name “Master of Grammar.” Many famous warriors would fall to the deadly skills of the Accountant Soldier… the Bean Counter of old.

(vector_black claims to be good at it)

I’m sure I’ve used that title before, but if I haven’t, it’s about damn time.

I usually don’t bother discussing my escapades as an OfficeMizzy Soul Jizzy here at dorkclub.com, mainly because said escapades could easily be reduced to “I hate people,” but today’s adventures in store 944 were entertaining enough to warrant this update. In fact, this very update which you’re reading now was written almost entirely on the back of furniture pull tags, marking it as not only the first update which I’ve written in OMax (I frequently wrote updates at work back at the public library), but the first dorkclub.com update which has cost a giant, world-spanning corporation (Boise Paper) a little of the fat bankery.

The fun really didn’t get started until late in the day, as I returned from my “lunch” (at 6:45 PM), to find a half dozen customers crowded around the manager on duty (MoD) and watching the Kings/Pacers game on one of the cable-less display TVs. A pair of rabbit ears jutted out from the shelf next to the television, having been hijacked from their usual home in the employee break room. Naturally, I joined in the fun, as did the other two sales associates on duty (AoD). As new customers entered the building, not one bothered to stop and ask us for assistance. Instead, they either stopped to happily watch the game with the growing crowd, or merely smiled and went about their shopping. For some reason, customers don’t dare interrupt employees while they watch TV, but if I’m actually doing work, shooting tags or balancing a stack of paper shredders, every customer wants me to drop everything I’m doing and read information from the side of printer boxes to them. Ah, physics.

Later, a tall, bone-thin woman with teeth smeared with red lipstick spent half an hour walking me around the store and continually assured me that money was no object. Her husband/boyfriend/half brother who just happened to be good fuck, Junkyard Joe, spent the entire time completely fascinated by the typewriter ribbons. This woman informed me that she needed a new printer as well as an Internet-capable PDA (pronounced “Pee-Dah”) because her laptop had undergone some sort of vague accident. I tried to explain to her that Internet access through a PDA is hardly comparable to “real” Internet access, but she was having none of it, eventually deciding on the most expensive PDA we carried (the HP iPaq something or other), the most expensive HP printer we carried (which she was sure would plug into her PDA, despite my frequent attempts to convince her otherwise), and a wi-fi card for her new PDA. As the MoD took me into lockup to retrieve the PDA, he waited until the door was closed before asking, “Do you think she’s scamming us?”

“Scamming us?” I replied. “Maybe. I just thought she was really stupid.”

After I wrung her up, her total coming to A Lot of Money, she tried to pay with a check, only she was completely without ID. MoD: 1, wedge55: 0. When I told her I couldn’t sell her the items without ID, she went into a frenzied rampage of idiocy, ultimately storming off, assuring me she would be back in ten minutes with her driver’s license, declaring that afterwards she would never shop in our store again. She never came back.

Not even fifteen minutes passed before another woman showed up with a desk to return, claiming that it contained hazardous chemicals which were making her sick. I rarely get the chance to be in such close proximity to such obviously insane people, so it was a nice change of pace. She then had me bring the desk, which she had assembled piecemeal, into the store. She had managed to put together two of the drawers, as well as stick a whole hell of a lot of screws into some random piece of wood. As an added bonus, the whole thing was also covered in ants. The rest of the desk remained in the box she purchased it in, which she appeared to have run through some sort of industrial paper shredder. Additionally, to prove just how sick the desk had made her, she launched into a coughing tirade every few moments before asking that we move the half-assembled monstrosity away from her.

Thankfully, the night was unbelievably slow, save for the few random hiccups, and we got out a little less than an hour early, an hour which I gratefully used to type up this very update. Besides, I got at EAS ninja star out of the whole deal, which in and of itself was worth eight hours of taking it to the max.

The 9th Pepsi product was a winner! Unfortunatly, iTunes isn’t cool enough to offer Part of Your World from Disney’s animated classic.

Best $12.72 I ever spent.

vector_black iTunes success ratio:  1/1

Wedge55 iTunes success ratio:         0/8

I claim (clam) victory this sunny March afternoon.

(vector_black m4p)

Someday I plan to update this site with “I cashed in my free iTunes code today for Part of Your World from Disney’s The Little Mermaid.”

That will be a good day.

My purpose is to add some class.

(link)

1. Take 5 medium-sized sweet potatoes.
2. Wash and peel, then boil in a saucepan for 20-30 minutes until soft. Drain when done and allow to dry slightly over low heat.
3. Cut the boiled sweet potatoes into thick slices on a cutting board.
4. In a small frying pan, combine 1 cup brown sugar and 1/4 cup water. Boil mixture on low heat for ~1 minute while stirring to make a syrup.
5. Dip each potoato slice into the syrup individually, then lay them on a greased baking pan. When done dipping each piece, pour the remainder of the syrup over the potato slices on the pan. Dot each piece with a small amount of butter.
8. Bake for ~40 minutes or until browned.
Serves one for about one week.

The above recipe caused me to miss seeing The Passion last Sunday.

(vector_black potato slice)

The links have been updated. One gaming site has been subtracted while one personal site and two new “web comics” which greatly stretch the definition of the term can now expect my single daily hit.

If that’s not enough to hold your interest, you could always check out this extremely interesting video showcasing the evolution of Halo from third person shooter to the XBox Marathon sequel/prequel we all know and love today.

…

This website sucks.

End User Licence Agreement
DORKware plugin module (v0.1) for IE 5 and higher:
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This is spyware. Technically it’s adware, but it also spies on you in its spare time for the purposes of more efficient advertising. And later on: blackmail.

Also, it will create a vulnerability in your network due to its badly written updating software. It’ll crash your computer a lot too because it’s still in development.

But! By installing it, you gain access to exclusive, MEMBERS ONLY dorkclub.com premium content! And our legion of undead zombie advertisers will support us with money! You want to support your favorite club, don’t you?
Also by installing you agree that we own your computer and a bunch of your other stuff.

So, come on! Give us a click!
install?
yes/no (plz!)

(vector_black will spam)