The trailer for The Mist, based on the Stephen King story, showed up on the Internet earlier today. Though it seems to bear a strong resemblance to an ABC TV movie, history has taught us that when Frank Darabont and Stephen King join forces, awesome things happen. The Mist, besides being the story that inspired Half-Life, is one of King’s works with a particularly strong connection to his Dark Tower series. Hopefully a little of that makes its way onto the screen, as other adaptations of Dark Tower-heavy King offerings have ignored the seven book epic entirely (see: Hearts in Atlantis, ‘Salem’s Lot). But seeing as Darabont’s The Majestic is basically a Dark Tower love letter, I think we have little to worry about.

While nobody that matters (see: you, me) was looking, GameTrailers.com went and filled its britches with a pants-load of legitimately worthwhile content. Besides actual game trailers (for video games), the site apparently now pumps out original video content at an alarming clip. Ignoring the terrible, intelligence-reducing Screw Attack content, GameTrailers.com is now host to mostly awesome video reviews and ridiculously in depth series retrospectives. And by “now,” I mean “has been for the last couple years.”

The Metroid Retrospective just recently finished up. Clocking in at five roughly fifteen-minute segments, the retrospective hits every game in the Metroid series - Hunters and Pinball included - acting as a healthy dose of nostalgia for fans of the series and a crash course in Metroid history for the uninitiated. The six part Legend of Zelda Retrospective is equally awesome and is perhaps best known for its completely ridiculous and unnecessarily thorough series timeline in the final installment.

The crown jewel of original GameTrailers.com content, however, is the in-progress Final Fantasy Retrospective. Having just covered Final Fantasy X and X-2, and with six more videos to come, the series will conclude with plenty of coverage of side entries such as Tactics and Mystic Quest. Each entry provides detailed information and backstory on the Final Fantasy game(s) it covers, meaning you could follow any conversation on the topic without having to play the less stellar entries in Square Enix’s series. But for obsessive nerds like me, the retrospective serves as a nice stroll down nostalgia boulevard. And it erodes my limited resolve to not run out and purchase each and every game in the unending stream of Final Fantasy remakes and rereleases. Touché, secret Square Enix-funded GameTrailers.com agenda.

In fact, I’m going to go replay Final Fantasy IX right now to stave of any addictive consumer urges.

My fingernail on my right ring finger had a little discoloration stemming from a recent finger wounding. I just clipped my fingernail, removing the discolored bit.

‘LeadPipe’ has joined the chat.
‘Wedge55′ has joined the chat.
LeadPipe: Pro: GRRRL
LeadPipe: con: grrrl
Wedge55: Pro: 2 Bs
LeadPipe: pro: intro music
LeadPipe: CON: g4techtv
Wedge55: con: says iphone instead of gphone
Wedge55: pro: hates yahoo mail
Wedge55: con: adam sessler
LeadPipe: pro: shakes head kind of like sam waterson, which on its own would be a con but it kind of looks like something sam waterson doesi
LeadPipe: so its automatically a pro
LeadPipe: pro: she could act enthusiastic about the holocaust
Wedge55: con: just like sam waterson, no fake nudes in google image search
Wedge55: pro: traveling
Wedge55: con: only 4 webb alerts a wekk
Wedge55: week
LeadPipe: pro: i would do her, just like sam waterson
Wedge55: con: having to choose between her and sam waterson
Wedge55: pro: code available to embed webb alert in ANYTHING
LeadPipe: pro: embedded video EVERYWEHER
Wedge55: PRO: WE’RE BOTH AWESOME
LeadPipe: con: no timestamps
Wedge55: pro: non-paid ads for blogs she likes
Wedge55: pro: little alarm clock favicon
Wedge55: con: no links to dorkclub.com
LeadPipe: pro: unpaid ad for a blog i love
LeadPipe: pro: new hairstyles every day
LeadPipe: pro: she makes the first frame every day paused where shes looking good
LeadPipe: pro: hot

Note: Don’t read this post. Just don’t. You’ll embarrass both yourself and me. This update is extremely nerdy, even by this site’s standard.

Double note: As pathetic as this is, it has nothing to do with the fabled “2oo page Transformers fanfic” which may or may not still be referenced in the archive.

After Beast Machines ended, the future of the Transformers franchise was a big question mark (that transformed into a robot). American audiences eventually received Transformers: Robots in Disguise, the English version of the Japanese Transformer Car Robots. With the quiet cancellation of Transformers TransTech, the Transformers-Beast Wars-Beast Machines arc was effectively abandoned, leaving American audiences with multiple unrelated G1 reboots/reimaginings/reeveryoneisboredofthis. Any sense of continuity the Transformers universe might have held was dumped in favor of more easily approachable, and generally terrible, fare.

Following the success of Steven Spielberg Presents Transformers a Michael Bay Film, it should come as no surprise to anybody that Hasbro has a new Transformers series ready to Roll Out™ on Cartoon Network this spring. Directed by the dude that brought us Teen Titans and written by Marty “The Less Terrible Half of the Skir-Isenberg Story Editing Duo” Isenberg, the series looks as awesome as the fifth anime-inspired G1 retread has any right to be.

I can’t help but think the Transformers franchise deserves better than this. It certainly is capable of more. Bob Forward and Larry DiTillio proved a Transformers series doesn’t have to be insultingly stupid and that it can do more than sell toys. How many other Transformer series won an Emmy, Hasbro?

So, like anyone with far, far too much time on his hands, I got to thinking about what my ideal Transformers series would look like. It certainly wouldn’t feature Optimus Prime and G1 Megatron/Galvatron continuing their million-years war on Earth with humanity caught in the middle. Yes, the original series was tons of fun when we were all eight. These days I can count the number of legitimately worthwhile episodes on one hand with fingers to spare (Forever is a Long Time Coming, Return of Optimus Prime, and uh…).

Imagine, if you will, Cybertron after the Great Upgrade. The Great War is over. The Decepticons lost. Earth and humanity are no longer in the picture and the newly formed and reformatted Predacons and Maximals suddenly have to deal with the aftermath of millions of years of aggression. On one side, the surviving Autobots have become the Maximal Council of Elders. Still in possession of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership but no longer able to interface with it, they must convince Maximal and Predacon alike that they are capable of leading their race into the future and that they are still in control of Cybertron’s wide assortment of world-destroying doomsday weapons. Meanwhile, the three surviving members of the gestalt Predaking (Ramhorn, Cicadacon, and Seaclamp), as the Tripredacus Council, are faced with a chaotic assembly of loosely aligned Predacon factions which they must control, through force if necessary, while remaining on equal footing with the Maximals without appearing weak to their fellow Predacons.

Rather than a full-fledged military conflict, the series would instead focus on political intrigue in a cold war setting. Transformer political intrigue. Both the Maximals and Predacons are terrified of each other and of the new responsibilities thrust upon them. Rather than bravely forging their own path forward, either side instead decides to place their focus on their opposition. That is, if Maximals and Predacons are even enemies any more. Who can be trusted and what are the Maximal and Predacon’s true motives? Spys, double agents, and triple agents lie, cheat, and maneuver about one another as information replaces energon as the most valuable natural resource.

Acting as both a G1 sequel and a Beast Wars prequel, the series could incorporate characters from each as long as the overall continuity of the universe is strictly enforced. C-3P0 isn’t meeting Owen Lars here. Besides the aforementioned ruling bodies, the inclusion of the G1 cassettes (Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzclaw, Frenzy, etc.) would be an obvious necessity. We’ve already seen Ravage as a badass Predacon assassin. It follows that the rest of Soundwave’s cassettes also served as Predacon covert agents in a post-Soundwave, post-Decepticon world. Acting in the shadows under the control of the Tripredacus Council, the cassettes would take care of the really dirty Predacon dirty work.

From Beast Wars, Tarantulus would mark another character obvious for inclusion. As a top agent for the Tripredacus Council and master manipulator sharing similar (read: non-Ark) origins with the council itself, Tarantulus could act as the eyes and ears of the council in the places they couldn’t otherwise tread. Like in the company of Megatron. The Predacon commander who the Tripredacus Council sees as “brilliant, but a rogue” could serve as the series’ primary villain, acting against Maximal and Predacon alike. Here we could see Megatron II in the beginning of his career. An inexperienced scientific and strategic genius, we could see Megatron’s first experimentations with technologies he would later prefect such as Vehicon drones, recreations of the hate plague, and his transformation-inhibiting virus. Acting as the leader of a small (DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THE NEXT TWO WORDS) terrorist cell on the fringe of the Predacon Alliance, we would witness first hand the events that earn Megatron the contempt of the Tripredacus Council. Besides Tarantulus, Dinobot – a warrior without a war – could also serve as a member of Megatron’s team as he earns his trust and eventually becomes his lieutenant as seen in the beginning of Beast Wars. Of course, Dinobot and Rattrap could never meet.

Rattrap, to quote Wikipedia, was the Axalon’s “infiltrator, sharpshooter, saboteur and demolitions expert.” Also a hacker and security systems expert, the sarcastic and cynical Rattrap would fit right in a setting of Maximal-Predacon espionage. Also unable to come into direct contact with Megatron or Ravage for continuity purposes, Rattrap could still serve as a Maximal agent in Predacon guise. Here, however, he would be young, naïve, and inexperienced. Bubbling with optimism, we would watch him undergo a Cheetor or Hot Rod-esque maturation, eventually ending his arc as the detached, womanizing bastard we all know and love. Insert painful, life-changing tragedy as needed.

Additionally, with Optimus Primal, Rhinox, Depth Charge, and Protoform X all floating around the universe at this point, any of them would be perfect for brief inclusions. Depth Charge tracks Protoform X to Cybertron after the destruction of Colony Omicron and the Maximal Elders must help him keep their dirty secret a secret. Optimus Primal as a young military cadet accidentally stumbles across a Predacon plot. Rhinox is one of many scientists working to something something blah blah blah. Et cetera.

In terms of some sort of general plot-like thing, this dream series of mine would primarily focus on Megatron and his team trying to eliminate the Maximals (and any Predacons that oppose him), leaving Cybertron entirely in Predacon hands. He would try to convince other Predacons to forego the rule of the Tripredacus Council and join his cause while initiating strikes against Maximal targets. Sometimes he would succeed and sometimes he would fail. Both the Tripredacus Council and Maximal Elders would of course want to stop him, but at the same time see the benefit he provides for either faction. As Megatron gladly kills any Transformer that doesn’t share his vision – Maximal or Predacon – his actions could either positively or negatively affect either side. Therefore the series would follow Megatron as both sides try to manipulate and/or stop him, depending on his scheme of the day, through their network of spies and as he, never one to lose the upper hand in a situation, likewise manipulates them.

Eventually, through some horrifically violent plan or another, Megatron’s actions would force the Maximal Elders to quarantine all Predacons off Cybertron, relocating them to the planet’s many moons and space stations. At this point, Megatron would need to escalate his aggressiveness while the Predacons and Maximals likewise realize the monumental threat Megatron posses. Rinse and repeat, more or less, until Megatron discovers the location of the golden disk or something equally climaxy.

Besides obvious continuity-contradicting meetings, such a series would also have to avoid all the Really Big Questions of the Transformers mythos because frankly they’re more interesting unanswered. We shouldn’t find out what drove Earth and Cybertron apart or the specifics of the Great Upgrade or the end of the Great War. Likewise, let’s just assume that whatever happened to Optimus Prime and Galvatron is just too Goddamn awesome for words and therefore avoid it. And finally, no Vok, no Quentessons, and maybe just a little Unicron if Tripredacus Council and/or Tarantulus backstories are absolutely required.

So, I think we can all agree that 1500 words is more than enough for this not-even-good-enough-to-be-considered-fan-fiction update. If you actually managed to read through that disaster, congratulations. If you didn’t, you’re all the better for it.

Tomorrow: Part one of the Transformers/Law and Order/Batman/dorkclub.com crossover event!

Ultimatley, the dream team of Green, Van Buren, Fontana, McCoy, Branch, and Southerlyn beat all comers.

Sure, now everyone knows what a nonogram is. In much the same way Brain Age introduced the (non-Japanese) gaming community to sudoku, Picross DS has recently introduced us filthy American swine to picross, short for picture crossword. Equal parts numerical logic puzzle and pixel art, a picross puzzle, or nonogram, is a truly challenging and entertaining puzzle-based interactive experience. And it involves no falling blocks, to boot.

But back in the golden age of the Internet, before Youtube turned us all into raging idiots and the online world was filled with Web 1.0 optimism, a niche website released a small, freeware Gameboy Color rom, quietly unnoticed between Radical Dreamers translation projects and graffiti-style graphic collections. Representing two years of hard work and a publisher betrayal, Drymouth was a unique blending of brain-twisting nonogram puzzles and balls-out action games. Completely free and completely awesome, Drymouth introduced any Internet-obsessed nerd who bothered to download it to the wonderful world of picross.

The ultimate goal of a nonogram is to transform a simple grid into a (ideally) recognizable image using a set of numerical clues to determine which cells should be filled in or left blank. Each row and column has a corresponding set of numbers to their side, dictating which squares need to be filled in. In the example above, the first column’s clue of 5 3 means the column has two groups of filled cells, one five squares long and the other three squares long, with at least one blank cell separating the two groups. By utilizing the relationships between horizontal and vertical clues, players can reveal the delightful image hidden within the nonogram.

What makes Drymouth so unique, besides acting as an introduction to the nonogram for any non-Japanese Internet user (aside from the widely advertised and barely played Mario Picross), is its unique blending of the brutally difficult nonogram with the trappings of an action game. Players can initially choose from one of three playable characters, each with unique attributes, special abilities, and soundtracks. As players attack larger, more challenging puzzles, they must deal with slime creatures that undo players’ work, collect gems for points and better endings, and wield a variety of special items that offer protection from mistakes or automatically solves rows or columns. Additionally, all puzzles must be solved under a strict time limit, and any incorrect guess knocks a sizeable amount of time off the ever-depleting meter. Run out of time and it’s game over.

A nonogram is a challenge unto itself, requiring a strict attention to detail and an accurate interpretation of the interlocking numerical clues. Because the goal of every puzzle is to reveal a simple pixel image, it also allows players to make educated guesses based on the image they’ve begun to form. Thus, the game requires an interesting combination of both mathematical and creative talents. Drymouth’s clever action elements transform the game from a slow, thoughtful exercise into a frantic race against time with an extra layer of resource (item) management.

This is the sort of game that, had it received a legitimate publishing deal back in 1999, would have been heralded as one of the truly classic handheld puzzle games - in the same league as Tetris, Lumines, and Meteos - and would have almost certainly lead to a few of Japan’s umpteenjillion shovelware picross titles seeing domestic releases. Sadly, the game’s creator had the rights to his own product swindled away from him and was forced to distribute it online freely and discreetly. Still, those who have played it know Drymouth as a uniquely sublime experience while those who have not really have no excuse.

Download it, suckers.

I’m a pretty big fan of Halo. I am not, however, a fan of the original Xbox. So when Gearbox ported Halo to the PC, and doubled the number of multiplayer maps to boot, I was happier than a grunt fresh from the food nipple. Sadly, when it came time for the sequel’s inevitable trip to the ever-dying world of PC gaming, Microsoft opted to turn their four-year-old, last generation title into an OS-seller for Windows Vista. A strategy which actually seems to be working, placing Halo 2 Vista as the fourth most-played PC game. M$, indeed.

However, it turns out you don’t actually need Microsoft’s bloated DRM crippleware – not even its 3D windows – to run Halo 2 Vista. Sure, you can’t use Windows Live on anything less than Vista, but the full single player campaign is not only perfectly playable on Windows XP, but it installs just fine too. That is, assuming you swap one of the installation files on the DVD with a “patched” version, something I’m sure Microsoft considers a form of piracy whether you bought the game at Wal-Mart or not.

So, with this knowledge in hand, I played through Halo 2’s campaign. In virtually one sitting. And it was spectacular!

I’m going to do my best to avoid long-winded fanboy gushing at this point, but I promise nothing. I apologize for all pretense and hyperbole ahead of time.

The Halo 2 campaign succeeds in every way the original’s failed. The copy-paste level design, with one perfectly reasonable exception (THE LIBRARY), is no more. The well-designed, wide-open, vehicular-centric areas return and are just as fun to cut a bloody path through as they were in the original. However, the interior sections of the game are no longer comprised of the same three rooms repeated ad nauseum to pad the total playtime. In fact, most interior areas in the game are only used once! Innovation, thy name is Bungie.

The narrative’s also far more interesting, what with not being tied to a single location and all. The story features a cast of characters that is both larger and more interesting than Halo’s supporting cast of Master Chief sidekicks, including a large focus on the goings ons of the Covenant itself. And though, yes, Internet, the very final scenes may not serve as a satisfying conclusion, the scene immediately preceding them (see: the title of this update) most certainly does. Besides, would you really be so excited to Finish the Fight® without Halo 2’s cliffhanger ending? Answer: Bungie could have ended the game with a conga line of nude space marines celebrating Master Chief’s violent death and we’d still have Halo 3 french fries.

Perhaps the largest and most unexpected improvement Halo 2 makes over the original (for those of us who’ve spent four years avoiding Halo 2 information) is the surprinsingly vast array of new weaponry. Though we lost the assault rifle, Bungie more than makes up for it by providing the official version of the fuel rod cannon, the brute shot – a grenade launcher with an axe blade for a bayonet – and the completely overpowered but completely awesome energy sword, to name just a tiny cross section of Master Chief’s increased arsenal. Additionally, old weapons have been rebalanced, making the needler useful and knocking the pistol from the coveted position of Most Unbalanced Thing Ever. The ability to dual wield one-handed weapons further complicates things, providing a wonderful wealth of options when facing off against Halo’s unmatched enemy AI.

So, Halo 2’s good. Everyone already knew that. Hell, even I knew that. But now you know that I know and I know that you know that I know, and in the end that’s all that really matters in this world.

Five years worth of dorkclub.com Wordpress content has found its way back online, boys. How historical for us. Content resurrection is almost as fun as content nuking, except without any sense of forward progress. Still, regression is change all the same.

Now get to it: find as many dead links, formatting errors, and examples of bloated self-indulgance as you can!

Next up: Newspro posts and DORK Club Episodes! Seriously. (Not seriously.)