Note: Do not read the “articles” they are stupid.
Note(2): Do not read the “episodes” they are stupid.
Note(3): Ignore half of the “updates” they are stupid.
Note(4): Only 1 “update” a month is good, so you might as well not even bother.

What’s this? That’s right it’s MY letter posted in a Gameforms letters column. I’ve only responded to just about every topic they’ve ever had and a plethora of TheGIA’s Double Agent topics as well. Finally my work has paid off. See if you can determine which letter’s mine. Whoever does so gets a cookie.

Now I’ve had my shit posted on Gameforms, Games Are Fun, and Expect Nothing. All that’s left is Penny-Arcade and ToastyFrog and I’ll no longer have a reason to use the internet.

In the latter half of The Matrix, the inimitable Hugo Weaving holds Keanu Reeves down in front of an oncoming subway train and says, “Do you hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability… it is the sound of your death.”

Wondering what form inevitability takes in America today, I watched the events of the world around me and I observed several things. Starting in elementary school, boys are taught that they should, in fact, be more like girls. Anything remotely agressive is excised from playgrounds and art sessions by teachers deathly afraid of lawsuits.

Our nation elected George W. Bush as its President.

People couldn’t submit fast enough to increased scrutiny after the attack on September 11th. Even worse, the newly-stringent security measures at airports vanished as soon as the media lost interest. Who’s protecting us? Surely not the Federal Gummint.

It seems that a creeping tide of stupidity and apathy will claim our nation sooner rather than later. That’s the sound of inevitability, and, as an American, I will gladly contribute my part.

But not because I own dorkclub.com, but because I’m a talentless fool. Besides, can geocities house this much stuff, especially when many of the files are 5mb or more? I think not. Besides, I’m only paying $6.67 a month to keep this shit pile online.

Oh, and the Links Page has been updated.

Remember when the United States had this newfound sense of patriotism? Remember when every red-blooded American had Old Glory flying proud outside their home and every person on the teevee proudly displayed their red, white, and blue? I don’t think we’re supposed to.

Sometimes the difference between “open space” and “imaginary place in my mind” can become indistinct. Other times, it is dependent upon my ability to consume large quantities of fish (uncooked, of course). Thank you.

Where the hell’s that new episode? For the grand total of 1 person(s), myself included, who care(s), it should be done by June 24. I like how I just make up random dates and end up writing my artistic masterpieces the day before. Actually, I don’t like that. But what I do like is that as of right now I have two complete episodes ready to be sent, neither of which is good, and neither of which will ever see the light of the internet. Hmmm, I think the internet would actually be dark rather than light.

On a more super happy hooray for me now lets get naked coat our genitals in a thin layer of bacon grease note, I got Microsoft Word working again, so I got that going for me.

Welcome to the last gaming update to The DORK Club for (hopefully) a while. Even though E3 isn’t over, now’s as good a time as any to present…

Wedge55’s E3 Wrap-Up

Super Mario Sunshine
Runs similar to an enhanced version of Super Mario 64, which is sure to make nobody complain. Mario’s spin jump from Super Mario World finally makes a come back and Mario now wields a back-mounted water cannon which is used to defeat enemies, clean up sludge, and act as a jet-pack. Nintendo has said this device will also offer other functions, but has yet to reveal any of them. Also boasting a drastically improved physics engine, Super Mario Sunshine is destined to become a classic.

Metroid Fusion
Mmmmmm Samus hanging from walls, fighting an evil Samus, and going up against “Species X.” A game from the same team responsible for the other games in the Metroid series? How can it go wrong.

Metroid Prime
The whole “auto-target” thing sure came as a surprise. But I suppose it makes sense, making Metroid Prime less about aiming and conserving ammo (as you have none) but instead about puzzle solving and exploration. The fact that Nintendo bought out Retro Studios is proof enough to me that this game is gunna be amazing.

World of Warcraft
Uhhh, you can play as Dwarves now and, ummmmm… we’ll reveal more soon! Yay Blizzard!

Metal Gear Substance 2
What the fuck was Konami thinking?

Tomorrow: Something Not Gaming Related (perhaps nude pictures of LeadPipe)

Given the plethora of recent updates involving video games (3) I’ve decided to present to you…

The List of Games I Plan To Purchase Between Now And December
(but lack the funds to do so)

PC

It’s official, GamesAreFun is now the best site ever. They are the only place to find the super sexy (and super free) Metroid Prime and Legend of Zelda trailers. Yummy. They both look so tasty, makes me wonder why all Metroid games haven’t been first person shooters and why all Zelda games haven’t been interactive animation.