I think this fashion of low riding pants combined with tiny, high-riding thongs has gone too far when I can honestly say that today I saw a woman’s ass, and not her face.

I mean, I’m all for asses, don’t get me wrong. But they’re not something you can just show to people. Breasts ARE, because there is nothing bad about them. They are fantastic in every way.

Asses on the other hand, along with pooping, fart from time to time. When I see a butt, I don’t think, “I want to touch that.” Not if I don’t even know the person. I think, “I hope they wipe their ass sufficiently or I could be really grossed out here in a second.”

You’re what’s happening!
You’re what the world has been waiting for!
Your body is a temple!
You are a beautiful girl, God’s light to the world!
Your hymen is the entrance to your temple!
An entrance that can easily be destroyed by masturbation, athleticism, or pre-marital sex!
Do you want your hymen to become a revolving door of Satan!
I didn’t think so!
Self love comes from the Bible, not a vibrator!

I went ahead and uploaded the remaining backlog of Warcraft 3 replays in lieu of Blizzard’s announcement regarding plans to update Reign of Chaos with most of The Frozen Throne’s gameplay and interface enhancements. Chances are the 1.10 Warcraft 3 patch could be out as early as Monday, but I’ll continue accepting 1.06 replays up until July 1.

Should everything go according to plan, which it seldom does, I will have broadband Internet access again on Monday, but, to be perfectly honest, I’m not sure if I want it. The Internet has changed a lot in the last two weeks. ToastyFrog is now a webcomic/graphic novel… thing, Solidsharkey is no longer a webcomic, and this site’s traffic has been cut in half. If, come Monday, Penny Arcade decides to become a porn review site, I think I’ll remain offline for good. Or not. Somebody has to provide nonsensical comments for THE MONKEY PAGES (dot COM).

The end.

I am an avid listener of music, with a heavy emphasis on rock and all its many sub and sub-sub genres. Sub-sub-sub, as well.

Sub-sub-sub-sub.

I recently got four albums at my local record store, and all four were quite good. I have very good taste, you see. The first one I listened to (because I expected the least from it, to be honest) was a Flaming Lips album called Hit To Death In The Future Head. I am pleasantly surprised. Or rather, I am generally surprised, because surprise is basically what the ‘Lips are all about. There are these heavily distorted sounds that I would, in any other context, find extremely objectionable, but on this album they make me smile. They play what seems to be a saxaphone at times, and it is very off key, but I enjoy listening to it. Basically this is the most fucked up, bizarre pop rock you can imagine. And at the end of the album is a twenty nine minute, sixteen second hidden track that goes like this: “BUZZGRINDHORRIBLESOUND, BUZZGRINDHORRIBLESOUND,” first in the left speaker, then in the right, while we hear sounds of rain and thunder in the background, quite tranquil by comparison to what is one of the worst sounds ever. I guess that makes them geniuses or something.

Then there is my new Pixies album, Trompe Le Monde. To be honest, it sounds more or less like the other Pixies album I own (Surfer Rosa), except with less of the bizarre female vocals making an entirely unsettling juxtaposition with the male vocals, which was one of my favorite parts of that album. It is quite good, but a bit less bizarre than their debut effort and my introduction to them. And if you hadn’t guessed, I like bizarre.

Then there’s Tori Amos’ from the choirgirl hotel. Which is a Tori Amos album. If you haven’t heard one you are missing out, and there is nothing I can do to explain to you just what. It is simply true that you are. The rest know what I’m talking about and may now proceed to nod in agreement.

Finally, Ugly Cassinova’s “Sharpen Your Teeth.” It’s wonderful stuff, a side project by the Modest Mouse guy (Isaac Brock). My favorite track so far has Brock’s trademark “I am depressed to the point of being barely capable of forming coherent sentences!” weaving between the endless and oppressive footsteps of a thousand marching men.

I like music. Have I mentioned that? I do a lot.

Right. It seems I’ll be sans Internet (which I always capitalize) for a while. My housemates (formerly apartmentmates) and I have recently moved into a house we’ll be renting for the next year, assuming they don’t throw us out beforehand. Unfortunately, this house has no DSL line and as we eagerly wait for one to be installed, we’re left only with tried-and-true dial-up Internet access. For me, this means AOL. Personally, I try to spend as much time not using AOL as possible, seeing as how my being online both prevents anyone at this home from using the telephone, but also prevents my parents, who own the AOL account I so lovingly use, from getting online themselves. Besides, it hurts my brain. Until we’re able to secure some form of broadband access, don’t expect to see either vector_black or myself online with any regularity. You’ll be the first to know when the situation changes. So much for the return of daily updates, eh?

Over the course of the last week, I was busy visiting Piyonugget down in Irvine, California, home of Blizzard Entertainment, Taco Bell, and Geoff Frazier. The entirety of the city was comprised of massive corporate headquarters and large shopping centers filled to capacity with fast food restaurants of any variety imaginable, with the occasional apartment complex thrown in for good measure. It was weird. Piyonugget mentioned Fast Food Nation, a book which I will most likely never read, during my stay with him. All these elements, coupled with nothing to do during my 63 minute flight home, lead to this. Hurray for new articles!

The last batch of new Warcraft 3 replays will be online sometime on July 1. If you have any entertaining Warcraft 3 replays, be sure to send them to wedge55@dorkclub.com before then. After July 1 (of 2003), dorkclub.com will only be accepting replays for Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne. The Warcraft 3 replay page has been updated accordingly.

See you soon.

A guy at work has a crush on a girl at work. He’s too much of an insecure little coward to say anything about it directly, but he WILL hint around forever so long as he believes she doesn’t know it’s her he’s got the fixation on. The second she got hired, he began hinting that there was “someone he liked” and he wouldn’t say who, but judging from the way he behaved around her it was painfully clear.

Let me count the ways Adam loves you, O unsuspecting Maya. He notices your unusual name wherever it appears, and points it out to me. There are pictures of kittens on the cover. He suggests you may be a kitten. He throws things at you and laughs when you do not catch them. He spends more time on his hair. He counts his meager paycheck, in cash form, in front of you. He forsakes work so you can make fun of him for doing all these stupid things, while he slacks off in the back and eventually gets scolded for doing so.

But my favorite part was when he assured you, dearest, fairest in all the land, that his current (long distance) girlfriend didn’t have a clue about whomever his crush was, or even that he had one. “I’m not lying about it,” he comforted you, “I just haven’t told her.”

Yeah, lying jerks always score big with the ladies–but only the ones they’re lying TOO, jackass.

I close the library up with alarming frequency. Part of the routine involves checking the bathrooms for hobos. We have a homeless person who would very much like to sleep in the building if he could.

In the ladies room there was a stall that caught my attention.

Because the toilet seat therein was covered in urine.

Now, I know a thing or two about women, and their genitals, and I’m pretty sure that should never, ever happen.

What he said.

He’s a jagged
albino
all covered in
teeth Yellowed
with sugar and
lit nicotine

His skin was once
white but it’s
covered with blood
now you were
beautiful my
jagged albino

He would lay in the grass
and stare at the stars till
his vices burned brightly
as those selfsame stars did
and he had to beat feet
right on back to the beach
where you could get any
thing skewered and roasted

Except the girl
that he’d dreamt
for himself to
love when his
toothy eyelids
closed up and
his eyes rolled back
and the world
was much better
o beautiful
jagged albino

So he decided to get braces
All over his body on all his
Yellow-white teeth so they’d smile from
His incisor shoulders to his hips
So his dreams could come true and he’d be
Smiling all over, that jagged albino

And it worked
And they did
She inserted her tongue
They got caught in the braces
Her compromising position
Was adorable
To friends and neighbors
Jagged Albino
How the mighty have fallen.

There’s a book in the childrens section about arts and crafts written by someone named “Honor Head.”

I’m not kidding.

Heheheheheehehehehehe!