It’s nice to see that video games are being treated with the same respect as ever in the non-gaming press. Why is it that the only time video games see any mention in “mainstream” press (other than the small blurb they receive during E3) is when some nutjob who happened to open a copy of Quake kills someone else over a postage stamp dispute or when some sexually explicit game hits the market? It’s just disappointing, is all. At least we can rest confidently in the assumption that twenty years from now, any article related to video game violence will still mention Doom and Mortal Kombat.

P.S. If you can find a Sands of Time ad which depicts our beloved Prince wielding a gun, or something even vaguely resembling a gun, you deserve some sort of disgustingly awesome prize.

In related news, Nintendo announced the next wave of Famicom Minies (whose US name I still don’t know) to hit US shores a long time ago. These four games (well, three of them, anyway) more so than any other Nintendo product in recent memory, clearly symbolizes Nintendo’s absolute greed as well as its intense hate for its loyal fans. Included in the series are Metroid, Dr. Mario, and the Legend of Zelda: The Adventures of Link. Of course, chances are that most people who would be really interested in these games already own a copy, as all three have already seen release over the course of this generation. The original Metroid was an unlockable in both Metroid Prime and Metroid Zero Mission, the former of which now costs just as much as this GBA rerelease. For the exact same price, you can get not only the original Metroid, but also one of the best games of this generation. Dr. Mario has also seen release as Dr. Wario within Wario Ware, a game which no self-respecting GBA owner should be without, leaving no plausible excuse for anyone to actually purchase this over-priced GBA version. Finally, Legend of Zelda 2 was included on the Zelda Collector’s Edition disk. Honestly, I can see no reason why anyone should shell out the ridiculous asking price for these three games, seeing as how they’re already available as parts of superior, and much more economically friendly, packages.

Castlevania, on the other hand, is a different matter entirely. Though it’s a shame we’re not getting the Famicom Disk version (in which you can save your progress, apparently), and that Nintendo (and Konami?) opted not to release the original NES Castlevania trilogy on a single cartridge, beggars can’t really be choosers. Besides, Castlevania has always been my favoritest of the NES games, even though I’m completely aware of the many better games available for the console.

And where’s our Wrecking Crew, Nintendo? Is it too good for our heathen American fingers?

Also: we’ve lost our Internet connection at Castle Where I Live, so expect this site to be just as inactive as it always is. This update you’re reading now (or not) was typed up at home, printed, and is now being reproduced online thanks to the UC Davis Assistant Football Coachs’ Office’s lovely Internet connection.

Internet service at our house was provided by one roomie who had the account in his name. This precious roomie now leaves, taking the precious service with him. No big deal — we just change the account over to one who still lives here (in this case, wedge55) and continue paying the bills. Right?

The process, however, appears to entail a minimum of two weeks’ downtime while the account is changed over. This morning, wedge55 called a service representative attempting to determine what the hell could take two weeks, considering that the process is entirely electronic. The service representative explained that they would have to wait for the service to “fall off” before they could make any changes to the account.

The hell?

So it seems that our service had been “tied off” and was in the process of “shriveling up.” This eventually leads to the point where it “falls off” — internet service as ancient medicine. Our house is severed from the web (or, has been “bled with leeches”) and I survive off the internet connection at work. What this means for you is that the infrequency of updates won’t change.

Have fun, kids!

(vector_black falls off)

August 28 is Hate Wedge55 Day, a religious holiday observed by a few isolated sects of secular religious sects. The day’s always held special significance for me, usually because it’s the day before the upcoming Wal-Mart adventure.

Today I celebrated in style. ScottLee (whose identity has been hidden via Internet handle), vector_black, and I went to our local, drivethrough-less Carl’s Jr. this morning and each ordered a delicious Low Carb Breakfast Bowl. It tastes about as good as you’d expect a low grade patty of meat of indeterminate origin wrapped in egg and then covered in unmelted shredded cheese and several tons of bacon to taste. It leaves you feeling just as bad too. Of course, we ordered the things as combo meals, which means they came with a drink and tater tot nuggets, making the thing ridiculously high in not just fat and cholesterol, but in carbs too. We effectively prevented the meal from being labeled as health food, regardless of how twisted your standards are. Suck on that one, Dr. Atkins.

Then we didn’t go to PAX.

Later, vector_black and I saw AVP, which is apparently a much cooler title than Alien Versus Predator. The movie was unbelievably stupid. So stupid, in fact, that I’m not even going to waste time discussing it any further here. The sequel will be fantastic, I’m sure.

Then (actually earlier), I downloaded a shiny copy of the Tribes: Vengeance beta. I wanted to hate this game so bad. I wanted the game to suck and I wanted it to cost Sierra several bundles after they fired the entirety of Dynamix, but it looks like Irrational has pulled through and has created a game which is more of a sequel to Tribes than even Tribes 2 was. The game shifts the focus away from the massive (and hilly) levels of Tribes 2 and its slow, slow gameplay and back on the tight, action-packed goodness of the original Tribes.

The game is laser focused. All of the old packs have been reduced down to four, each of which now has an active and passive function. The weapon roster is set at eleven, with none of the guns encroaching on any other’s functionality. Each weapon remains extremely unique, useful, and above all else, fun to use. Of particular note are the grappler and buckler. The former is a massive energy shield which allows you to block enemy shots as well as hurl the shield itself at your opponents like a giant, purple boomerang. The grappler replaces the ELF gun, as it can prevent enemies from flying away as you literally grapple them to yourself. It also allows you to swing on objects in the world, and in one particular level, set entirely in a subterranean cave, it’s not uncommon to see people swinging along the ceiling just like a spider can. The vehicles, too, are excellent. Each is terribly fun to use and none of them are just slightly varied repeats of one another, a problem which plagued the first two Tribes game.

All told, the game’s incredibly excellent, and this is only a four-map beta test. But I know what you’re probably thinking. Why is he having so much fun on Hate Wedge55 Day is that thing which you’re probably thinking. Don’t worry, though. The game’s a lot of fun, there’s no doubting that, but so far I’ve spent more time wanting to play the game rather than actually playing it. This being a beta and all, it’s still saturated with all kinds of fun bugs. Stations have a tendency of lagging me in place for several minutes or just crashing my computer entirely. Sometimes the entire game just freezes, leaving me to fly around the map and shoot my opponents and team mates alike, both unable to defend themselves. Then it crashes to desktop.

And though I’ve spent the day hating me, I still didn’t watch any Warcraft 3 replays. I don’t hate myself that much.

Now I’m off to watch vector_black play Mech Warrior 4, I typed several hours before actually posting this!

Project WNBaP

faith
trust
discovery
resurrection
and the path to the future
—–saving the universe, one pixel at a time.

A shiny new collaborative project by the DORK Club and dorkclub.com. Preloading begins — soon.

!

(vector_black sometimes helps)

Though spending eight to twelve hours a day, every day, dealing with football and football-related activities has few benefits, other than the monetary ones, and is resulting in the sudden (but by no means irregular) lack of content to this very site, it’s also preventing me from playing another four or five hours on my Xenogears save, an activity I usually (don’t) enjoy right around this time every year. Ah, the carnal joys of employment.

In related news, ShootMe has been nominated. Please congratulate him/her.

Guess which part of this came from wedge, and what came from me. Hint: Hideo Kojima.


(vector_black has density)

Sometimes we do this:

In this photo you can see wedge refining our respect calculations (in fluid ounces) from the simpler “respect = x^2″ on the left to its slightly more complex and accurate form on the right. Below that, my technical brilliance is displayed as I craft a new genius-level play for our o-line.

(vector_black Kicking Things Around Day)

You may not have noticed, but this site’s been a little hetero-challenged (as they say in certain (hetero-challenged) circles), of late. This is partly because I really have nothing to write about. The fact that this site’s staff seems to hate this site also plays a large role.

There are other reasons too, though it’s really only a single reason, and I’m about to outline it in the following update. Also expect a fictional dialogue between a GameStop employee and I, a non-fictional dialogue between an EB Games employee and I, and an overwhelming sense that Hideo Kojima might just be more Japanese than you previously thought.

As all of you might be aware, I left my fun-filled job at OfficeMax several weeks ago. Since then, I’ve been gayfully employed by the UC Davis football department as a filmer/spend-five-hours-surfing the-Internet-and-get-paid-for-it-er. What that means for you is that after spending eight to twelve hours at work a day (or four hours at work and three hours at class), updating dorkclub.com is not my top priority. Watching TV, looking at pornographic GIFs, and maintaining a healthy stupidity is my top priority, even though those are three things.

SO! Expect updates (from me) to be much shorter or to just not be at all. Or don’t. This also places my desire to spend several hours watching Warcraft 3 replays at a very, very extreme minimum.

But now we’re on to other things. And so soon too. I was just getting used to the smell.

How I envisioned my trip to GameStop to pick up Astro Boy: Omega Factor (which is awesome, by the way):

Me: Do you have Astro Boy for the GameBoy Advance?

Clerk # 2: Yeah, it just came in today. Need a copy of Astro Boy for the PS2 to go with it?

Me: No thanks, just the one.

Clerk # 2: You a big Treasure fan? Gradius V’s coming out soon in a very limited release. I would strongly recommend preordering it. You can either put ten dollars down or –

Me: No, thanks anyway.

Clerk # 2: Okay, your total’s gonna be $32.16. Have you preordered Halo 2 or the new GameCube Legend of Zelda yet? Those are going to be hard to find on launch day.

Me: No, I haven�t. I don’t need to either.

Clerk # 2: Good luck finding them when they come out. Here’s your receipt. You know, we also offer subscriptions to our exclusive gaming magazine�

Me: Thanks, bye.

How it actually went:

Me: Do you have Astro Boy for the GameBoy Advance?

Clerk #2: Yeah, we just got a copy yesterday.

Here there is a lengthy, and awkward, silence.

Me: Can I buy it?

Clerk #2: It’s on pre-order. You can wait for them to show up if you want.

I wasn’t exactly sure what waiting for the holder of the pre-order for the only copy of the game the store had in stock to show up (that’s a mouthful, ain’t it?) would accomplish. So I left. My gut instinct told me to drive to the next town over and visit the nearest Target, but my lazy gut told me there was an EB Games in town just waiting for me to EB Games. Then my EB Games gut told me I hated EB Games because they’ve screwed me over infinitely more times than good old GameStop. One is most certainly more than zero, after all. Still, I headed to EB Games and went there.

And it was awesome. As awesome as buying a video game can be. And it can be pretty awesome. Astarting sentences with the letter A.

I was all, “Do you have Astro Boy: Omega Factor?” I changed the name there because sometimes I like to do things like that.

Then the clerk was like, “…” because he didn’t say anything just yet. The reason he didn’t say anything just yet is because I forgot to mention that he was standing there over an open box with a copy of the game in his hand, having just removed it and preparing to place it on the plural (what’s that word doing there!) shelf. THEN he said, “Yes I do” or “yeah,” and gave a little smile because he was holding it his hand like I said before.

So I was like, “Perfect timing.” And I said like “ha” before that.

So he rung me up then and told me that he was actually a big fan of Astro Boy and had set aside a copy of the PS2 version of the game for himself. I didn’t tell him that the PS2 version looked like liquid ass burned to a CD but still retaining its liquid fluidity and that the reason for this is because the present day Sega doesn’t seem to be able to make a good game to save their lives only F-Zero GX was brilliant and probably my favorite game of this generation after ICO.

I’ve played all the way through the game (having missed two characters and thus not quite filling my Omega Factor/Atomic Heart just yet) and it’s pretty damned awesome. Really awesome, really. I’d buy it if I hadn’t already.

For someone who isn’t much of a Treasure fan I sure am amassing a pretty healthy number of Treasure games.

I was going to write about the best video game instruction manuals and what makes them awesome, but all the really good instruction manuals I could think of are for PC games, and they’re all games I’m totally FANBOYISH about anyway (imagine that!). These instruction manuals would have included the manuals for System Shock 2 (with developer commentary!), Diablo (have you seen this thing), and KotOR (with its glossy, full color, spiral bound pages).

The end.

I’ve banned a handful of IP addresses in the never ending war against ad bots, so if you’re unable to read these words be sure to contact me.

A new Warcraft 3 replay is online. I would have had two new replays for you, loyal readers, but the e-mail containing the second replay liked to crash my Outlook. So did the e-mail I received after I tried contacting the original sender telling me no such address exists.

While I had Warcraft 3 open, I took the opportunity to download the beta version of the upcoming patch and take it for a spin. In addition to a lengthy list of bug fixes and balance changes (yet the moonwell remains unchanged!), Blizzard is also adding two brand new neutral heroes to the ever-growing roster, the goblin alchemist and the firelord. Both are pretty interesting. The alchemist’s most unique attributes are its healing spell, its ability to self-bloodlust, and its ultimate, which allows it to transmute a single enemy unit into gold. He’s a solid support hero who I can easily see working into a wide range of strategies.

The firelord, however, seems like a balance nightmare. Once you get past his awesome creation sound effect, you’ll soon discover he comes with a summonable unit that replicates itself after dealing so much damage, an ability similar to the devourer’s acid attack from Brood War, and an ultimate that’s one part starfall and one part earthquake. The game certainly doesn’t need any more summoner heroes, especially ones that have a ranged attack and can level a town using their ultimate spell. Additionally, he also has a spell which not only deals a small amount of damage over time to a single unit, but also temporarily prevents it from casting spells and lowers its attack rate. If this were a race specific hero, I wouldn’t see it as much of a problem. After all, everyone (who wants to win) uses the archmage as his or her first hero when playing human, so seeing another race’s first hero pick limited to a single option wouldn’t bother me. However, because the hero is neutral and available to all players regardless of race, I have terrible visions of the firelord becoming the first hero chosen by all players on maps with a tavern. In addition to his questionable skillset, the firelord sports a super rad name and a living-fireball-wearing-a-suit-of-armor look which all the kids love.

Oh, well. If nothing else, he’s just another overpowered hero to use in tandem with the overpowered moonwells.

This will probably be the last Doom 3 related update until the Internet gives me a reason to produce another.

First, if you haven’t done so already, take nine minutes of your life and go watch Gamespot’s Doom 3 video review, which I am unable to directly link to.

When you’re done with that, or if you’re too busy to be bothered, check out this thread over at the GameSpy forums. Don’t worry, you only need to read the original message.

We all studied up? Let’s move on, then.

Of all the Doom 3 reviews I’ve read (which admittedly isn’t all that many), Gamespot’s is far and away the worst of the bunch, not because they give it one of the lowest scores I’ve seen, I don’t really feel it’s deserving of the 9/10s and 10/10s the game’s been so readily receiving, but because it was very clearly written by someone (hello, Greg Kasavin) who largely missed the point.

Doom 3 didn’t set out to revolutionize anything or to give us all a better understanding of the human condition. Nobody over at id ever said it would. Doom 3 exists as a new technological milestone, as an entertaining and rewarding single player experience constructed by people known primarily for multiplayer games, and as a game which has no problem simply being a hell of a lot of fun (OMFG PUN + !JJGV!���). To criticize Doom for being “derivative of many other older shooters, including the old Doom games” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Nearly ever first person shooter, and really the entire PC gaming industry as it now stands, owes their existence to Doom. When it comes right down to it, I can only name a handful of FPS games that aren’t heavily based on the rules originally introduced in Doom 1 and 2, and none of them are very good. Unless Gamespot’s impending Half-Life 2 review, and the review for nearly every FPS game on their site includes this exact same statement, there’s really no point in making it.

Additionally, everyone, not just Mr. Kasavin over at Gamespot, has heavily criticized Doom 3’s lighting. It’s a dark game. However, it’s also a dark game which features a flashlight which cannot be used at the same time as a weapon, effectively presenting players with two options: they can shoot or they can see. Several mods already exist which add additional functionality to the flashlight, allowing it to be used in tandem with any other weapon or only with a specific few. Still, the issue is really a non-issue, as most players who have played a video game before should quickly adjust and develop a rhythm wherein they learn to sweep any new room with the flashlight upon entering and then promptly reselect their weapon of choice as they continue raging their war against the demons of Hell. After even more time spent with the game, the flashlight becomes almost entirely obsolete, as the game’s later environments are much, much better lit than the beginning of the game and players should quickly learn the common sort of hiding places in which ammo and armor are readily available.

Another major complaint against the game has to do with its scare tactics. Most of Doom 3’s scares come from enemies suddenly teleporting in behind the player or lying in wait behind a closed door, pouncing as soon as a player opens it. However, players quickly learn to expect these very events, which effectively puts him or her on edge for the entire play experience. Additionally, the game spends a lot of time playing these expectations against you, throwing enemies in front of you just as their howling causes you to turn around, or causing a much-needed armor power-up to trigger a lot of noise and a lot of moving walls, only to have no monsters appear as a result. Though it’s a pretty cheap tactic, none of the game’s creatures are powerful enough to finish you in a single blow, and it ultimately does much more good, creating a much tenser experience, than harm.

But the most ridiculous point the Gamespot video review brings up has to do with the very nature of the space marine under the player’s control. Greg’s issues stem from the fact that the space marine is not affected as Hell is released upon Mars. He is not possessed by demons. He does not become a zombie. Yet everyone else in the base is either torn to shreds by the invading demons or transformed into brain-craving zombies. Ignoring the fact that many other characters in the game have no problem avoiding demonic possession or death by cyberdemon, the reason the space marine’s head doesn’t instantly explode when magical orange skull beams fly through his face is that if they did, then there wouldn’t be much of game for us to play. Personally, I don’t find the prospect of wandering around and running into walls as a brain dead zombie particularly interesting. In fact, complaints against stories, regardless of medium, in which protagonists or “main” characters never die or become seriously injured, escaping impossible situations with only a minor cut across their forehead, are largely unfounded. Had they died, then there simply wouldn’t have been much of a story worth telling. “Vin Diesel fights off an entire army while looking unbelievably male” is a much more interesting premise than “Vin Diesel takes on an entire army and is promptly killed.”

Of course, Doom 3 is certainly not a flaw-free game. Some of the weapons are completely useless, and certain stretches of the game seem to last a little longer than they should, but overall it’s an extremely solid experience. Doom 3 is far and away a better game than I was expecting. Even though it may not live up to what many people feel a “modern FPS” should be (and what is that exactly? Unreal Tournament 2004? Far Cry? Painkiller?), it’s undeniably fun, and the last time I checked, there’s little else you can ask of a video game.

The multiplayer portion, however, is laughably underdeveloped, shipping only with five maps and a deathmatch mode. Then again, it’s probably best this way, as the bug-riddled backend used to connect to servers is the kind of broken only several large patches can fix.