Some kind soul recorded a presentation given by Jeff Hickman and Josh Drescher, two of Warhammer Online’s producers, from the recent WAR Paris Press Event and put it online for the rest of us. The video clocks in at just over an hour in length, but Jeff and Josh remain funny and engaging from start to finish, and highlight the ways in which WAR differentiates itself from the WoWs of the world, making it required viewing for anyone even remotely interested in the upcoming MMO.

After a brief description of some of the classes available to the elves and dark elves – Warhammer online features six different races, each with four unique classes – the producers began an in-depth explanation of Warhammer Online’s clever living capitol city mechanic. As players of any given race grow, level up, and accomplish deeds throughout the world, their capitol city will grow and level with them. New areas, quests, vendors, and even dungeons are automatically added to the cities to keep pace with its evolving populace.

Of particular note are player monuments, statues depicting players who have contributed the most to the ongoing realm versus realm (RvR) campaign. Everything in the capitol cities serves a purpose for those that call them home, but also serve as targets for any invaders. Besides serving as fabulous ego boosts and cool reminders of in-game history, these player monuments can also be desecrated by invading players, who can capture the statues’ heads as trophies of their own accomplishments.

This back-and-forth, RvR gameplay is a real focal point for Warhammer Online. Depending on their race, each player fights either for the forces of Order or Destruction, and EA Mythic wants players focusing on the success and well-being of their realm rather than their own personal advancement. All aspects of the game, from small PvP skirmishes and PvE encounters to full-on raids feed this RvR campaign. The game is all about “taking what the enemy has and making it your own.”

The most direct means of bringing glory to your realm is through confrontation with your enemy, and Warhammer Online promises to provide plenty of variety in that regard. The most basic and easily accessible form of RvR combat are scenarios, instanced battles between even teams that should last about 15 minutes—think World of Warcraft’s battlegrounds. Players can also expect to run into enemy players in the open world, and EA Mythic has placed capturable objectives throughout the world to act as the focal point for these incidental skirmishes. Defeating enemy players in scenarios or in the world of WAR not only benefits you personally, but also furthers the cause of your realm.

Players will also be able to participate in epic, large scale battles against opposing realms through keep battles and city invasions. Keeps are large castles dotting the landscape that give dominion over the surrounding land to anyone fortunate enough to hold them. Wrestling keeps from enemy control and invading their cities both require siege weapons, and each race has their own arsenal of siege engines ranging from battering rams, orcapults, and even giant trolls. Should your realm manage to invade an opposing realm’s capitol city, not only do you gain access to the city itself, but you also open up special PvE encounters against the leaders of your enemy’s realm.

Ultimately, both PvE and RvR players need one another in order to access the upper tiers of content for either playstyle. RvR players need PvE players to build up the capitol cities and complete public quests – cooperative zone-wide quests that offer special rewards – to boost the strength of their realm. At the same time, PvE players need the hardcore RvR players to invade enemy keeps and cities and unlock new PvE content. It’ll be interesting to see if EA is really able to cater to both types of players without alienating either.

The video also covers Warhammer Online’s living guilds, which level up over time and have in-game calendars and news feeds, as well as the Tome of Knowledge, an extremely clever metagame feature that tracks your character’s personal history with the game. Jeff and Josh cover a great deal of content in relatively little time, and while they may not provide a tremendous amount of depth on any one subject, it’s clear Warhammer Online is a feature-rich game that may actually put a chink in World of Warcraft’s seemingly unchinkable armor.

War in Paris – Präsentation [Trailerwelten via NeoGAF]

The big Warhammer 40K: Dawn of War 2 announcement is still coming in next month’s issue of PC Gamer, but Belgian gaming magazine PCGameplay has beat the US publication to the newsstands and has all the juicy details on the upcoming RTS.

Relic Entertainment has been hard at work on Dawn of War 2 since September 2006, and is hoping to have the game on store shelves in 2009. The game uses an upgraded version of the Essence Engine used by Company of Heroes, and takes full advantage of Havok physics, DirectX 10, and multicore processors. Visually, the game looks surprisingly close to Dawn of War’s opening cutscene, and there will no doubt be plenty of high-resolution screenshots to drool over after PC Gamer’s reveal.

So far, only the Orkz and Space Marines are confirmed as returning. While other races are to be announced later, only the Orkz and Space Marines will have co-op campaigns. You’ll use the same squads from mission to mission in the campaign, which will feature plenty of customization options to really tweak and personalize your individual squads.

The focus this time around will be on much smaller skirmishes, with control limited to just six squads. Like in Company of Heroes, unit positioning will often determine the outcome of a fight, and you’ll be able to garrison your units inside buildings, but Relic promises more than just “Company of Heroes in space.” For example, the series’ trademark visceral violence will return in spades, with fully destructible environments and the possibility of units damaging or breaking individual pieces of armor in combat.

Between Dawn of War 2 and StarCraft 2, it’s a very good time to be a fan of sci-fi real-time strategy games.

Dawn of War 2 Confirmed! The Immortal Emperor Be Praised! [NeoGAF]

As you know, I recently bought Dawn of War and its first two expansions through Steam as part of my on-going pledge to keep PC gaming alive, so long as my consumer dollars somehow benefit Valve. (Confidential to Atari: Maybe you could put Neverwinter Nights 2 and its expansion up on Steam so I don’t have to deal with Direct2Drive? Thanks in advance!) As such, you poor bastards will be forced to read through painfully uninteresting Dawn of War updates. Sure, you could just ignore them and press your back button, but let’s be honest here: This is about as good as the Internet ever gets without someone getting naked.

So, without further ado, I present The DORK Club’s First Warhammer 40k: Dawn of War Mod Roundup of Happiness, Rainbows, and Broken Dreams: Be Gentle It’s My First Time Edition. I’ll refrain from using bullet points to mask my poor organizational skills.

Dawn of Skirmish

What that boring screenshot so effectively communicates is that this mod brings some welcome AI improvements to Dawn of War. Most notably, it makes it not suck. But the mod also greatly optimizes the AI, allowing for some noticeably improved performance for poor folks like me with pathetically outdated PCs.

Interestingly, Dawn of Skirmish is included with nearly every other available Dawn of War mod. It allows the AI to actually use the more interesting abilities of various races and for some extreme customization, including providing the AI with resource bonuses or allowing them to ‘dance’ entire armies in and out of melee range. It’s more or less perfect for people like me who are too afraid to deal with all the scary Europeans that dominate the game online.

Inquisition: Daemonhunt

I know next to nothing about the Warhammer 40k tabletop game. I know it involves tables, their tops, and is restrictively expensive. I also know it involves many different playable factions, some of which aren’t represented in Dawn of War. Daemonhunt tries to rectify this by bringing the Daemonhunters to the PC game.

Sadly, it’s not particularly impressive, despite the tremendous amount of work that went into it. It’s easy to see where other races’ units have been hijacked and modified to fill out the Daemonhunters’ ranks, with none of their individual units feeling wholly unique. Still, there are some impressive features, including an AI that actually play the race well, entirely new building architecture, and a handy little structure that slowly saps the health from any unit within its range.

Witch Hunters – Adepta Sororitas

Despite still being relatively early in development (the public beta was just released on December 2, 2007), Witch Hunters is already hugely impressive. The race’s character models and textures are more detailed than those of any other race from vanilla Dawn of War, and unlike Inquisition’s Daemonhunters, the Witch Hunters’ units actually feel entirely new. Because they are. Many of the units can even use extremely powerful faith abilities, assuming your squads meet reinforcement requirements.

Sadly, the entire mod will be rendered moot in March when Relic/IronLore’s official version of the Witch Hunters, called The Sisters of Battle, make an appearance as a playable race in Soulstorm. They certainly won’t look as good, however.

Depending on how lazy I am, expect another mod update later in the week. With any luck, it should prove just as uninteresting for everyone who reads this site.

My love for high quality video game instruction manuals is well documented, with personal favorites being the manual for Diablo and Knights of the Old Republic. It looks like I can soon add No More Heroes, Suda 51’s latest commercial failure, to that short list. The pseudo-comic book captures the game’s over-the-top, cel-shaded visuals perfectly. Only time will tell if the English manual lives up to the high watermark set by the Japanese version. (Hint: With Ubisoft publishing the game, it won’t.) Truely, this update would do Jorn Barger proud.

Originally formed by Konami employees tired of building big budget sequels and eager to work on smaller, more creative games, Treasure has become a fan favorite developer responsible for a library of challenging 2D action titles that combine brutal boss encounters with clever gameplay innovations. For the first time since their split in 1992, Treasure has returned to Konami’s side to create the next installment in the long-running Gradius series. Gradius V is more than just a Treasure title with Gradius’ name on the box, however. The game sticks closely to Gradius’ rich heritage and is a surprisingly conservative side-scrolling shooter from a developer known for its quirky, often gimmicky shooters. An extremely polished, if slightly derivative game, Gradius V proves that 2D action titles are just as viable now as they were a decade ago.

Rather than redefine the franchise, Treasure closely follows the rules established by previous Gradius titles, but never shies away from adding their own personality to the material. Once again, you take to the stars in the legendary Vic Viper, the only ship standing between the evil Bacterion armada and the peaceful planet of Gradius. Each of the game’s eight levels scroll horizontally from left to right and come packed with many of the enemies fans of the series have been blasting apart for years. However, Treasure often turns this convention on its head, quite literally, in fact, as stages twist and turn or often consist of many moving parts. Treasure likewise puts their own stamp on the game with their epic, multistage boss battles. These boss fights are as intricate as they are difficult, serving as Gradius V’s biggest highlights, but thankfully never completely dominate the game as they tend to in more traditional Treasure fare. Though Treasure brings its own unique flair to the game, they remain true to the Gradius series throughout and never sacrifice franchise staples in favor of more innovative mechanics.

Case in point: the tried-and-true power up system the series has used since its inception once again returns. Downing clearly identified red enemies yields pulsating power up capsules used to highlight successively more advanced upgrades along your power up meter on the bottom of the screen. You can purchase a highlighted power up at any time, instantly outfitting the Vic Viper with the selected upgrade and resetting the meter. Each of the four initially available weapon configurations differ little in terms of available upgrades – offering power ups that boost your speed, improve your weapons, or provide protective barriers – instead featuring unique Multiple formations and special abilities.

Multiples – sometimes called Options in previous Gradius games – are glowing orange orbs that trail behind your ship and are one of the six upgrades available for purchase. You can have up to four of these Multiples at any given time, each of which mimics the Vic Viper’s weaponry, up to quadrupling your firepower. The Multiples arrange themselves in different formations based on your initial weapon loadout. In types one and two, for example, the Multiples simply lag behind you ship, copying your movements on a half-second delay. Type three places two Multiples directly above and below your ship and type four has them orbiting the Vic Viper. Besides dealing out additional firepower, Multiples also have a special ability depending on your chosen configuration, such as the ability to freeze in place in type one or to change the direction of their orbit in type four. Each configuration and Multiple style is useful, but never useless, rewarding you for your chosen playstyle but never punishing you for it.

Gradius V includes five difficulty settings ranging from very easy to very hard, but even on the lowest setting it’s still an exceptionally challenging game. The levels and boss fights tend to take lives in equal measure, requiring both rote memorization and fast reflexes to overcome. Dying in Gradius V comes with a hefty price, either placing your ship at a predetermined checkpoint or returning you to the heat of combat uninterrupted, depending on your settings. Either way, death strips the Vic Viper of all its powerups, but in the latter option your Multiples remain on the screen for you to collect, if you’re fast enough. Because it takes so long to bring your ship to full power, and because death takes such costly toll, the game rewards expert-level play and places an emphasis on survival over raw killing power. Still, staying alive is easier said than done, and it will take most players a good many hours before they can reach the final boss on the easiest difficulty setting. Thankfully, the Konami Code and a system that rewards playtime with additional credits means everyone will eventually reach the end of the game, even if they need to cheat a little to get there.

Gradius may be uncompromisingly difficult, but as clichéd as it is to say so, death in Gradius V is always your fault and never the result of poor design. The game doesn’t rely on cheap “surprise” obstacles or unfair enemy placement to create challenge. Gradius V’s difficulty instead stems from monstrous boss encounters and level design that requires pixel perfect precision to navigate successfully. Thankfully, the controls are accommodating, allowing for unprecedented maneuverability and some amazing collision detection. Even in a Multiple-less, completely powered-down state, you can still overcome any challenge the game might dish out thanks to the responsive controls. It might take you five times as long to down a boss, but you can still skirt along the edges of projectiles and line up shots with incredible accuracy. Despite being so difficult, Gradius V is never frustrating.

Though Gradius V still plays like a classic 2D shooter, it uses polygons instead of sprites. The game puts the power of the PS2 to good use, saturating the screen with 3D enemies and painting gorgeously detailed, if strangely parallax-free, backgrounds, only slowing down for trademark Treasure boss explosions that bring the framerate to its knees. Asteroid belts, space stations, and oozing biomasses are all visually exciting while still allowing you to differentiate between background and foreground elements easily. The Playstation 2 has a surprisingly robust library of 2.5D shooters, from R-Type Final to Treasure’s own Slipheed: The Lost Planet, but Gradius V is easily the best looking among them.

Sadly, the game’s audio doesn’t quite live up the visuals’ high standards. The soundtrack itself is excellent, consisting of fully orchestrated original tracks and remixes of classic Gradius music, all composed by Hitoshi Sakimoto of Final Fantasy Tactics and Radiant Silvergun fame. The epic, futuristic-sounding background music fits the tone of the game perfectly, and feels especially empowering as you score the final hit on a particularly difficult boss. The monotone announcer that calls out upgrades as you purchase them, however, quickly becomes tiresome. Like other voice samples in the game, including those in an annoyingly unskippable cinematic in the game’s second level, these recordings are compressed to the point of being unintelligible; were it not for the game’s subtitles it would be impossible to understand the dialogue. These voice samples actually sound as though they were ripped directly from Axelay – one of Treasure’s SNES shooters – rather than specifically recorded for a modern platform.

Aural complaints aside, however, Gradius V is another excellent entry in one of gaming’s most revered shooter series from one of the genre’s most respected developers. Longtime shooter detractors won’t find their minds suddenly changed by Gradius V, but fans of the Gradius series, Treasure’s games, or just shooters in general will find a lot to be excited about. Littered with plenty of nostalgic references to its predecessors, Gradius V is a game firmly rooted in its heritage with just enough new material to feel exciting and fresh. Whether you still visit the arcade every week or haven’t touched a side-scrolling shooter since the advent of polygons, Gradius V is a challenging and rewarding game and proof positive that 2D is a stylistic choice, not a technological limitation.

Clive Barker has become the mouthpiece for the “video games are art” crowd through no fault of his own. Roger Ebert’s now infamous anti-video game tirade came as a response to Barker’s comments at the Hollywood and Games Summit earlier this year. Besides galvanizing the gaming community against him, Roger Ebert’s assertion that games are incapable of artistic expression established Barker as the counterpoint to Ebert’s point. And though Ebert has continued to confront gamers directly in the weekly Q&A columns hosted on his website, Barker has remained almost entirely silent on the issue, going so far as to tear up his written response after learning of Ebert’s battle with cancer. Because of this, the gaming press has been slobbering over every scrap Barker throws their way. Conveniently, he also has a new game coming out.

His first game, Clive Barker’s Undying, is as unique amongst video games as it would be in any medium – it’s a horror story that’s genuinely frightening. The game puts players in control of Patrick Gallows, an occult researcher summoned to the gloomy shores of Ireland at the behest of his cursed friend. Over the course of the dialogue-heavy plot, players uncover the mysteries surrounding this supernatural curse. A first-person shooter with a fully developed magic system, Undying also features strange, otherworldly platforming sequences that blatantly embarrass Half-Life’s Xen segments. The game is really very good, the sort of critical success and commercial failure that serves as a sure-fire recipe for a cult hit. It’s tense, creepy, and challenging. And it features the only simultaneously phallic and yonic boss encounter in video game history.

Fast forward six years and one cancelled project later, and Clive Barker’s second game is less than a month away from release. Clive Barker’s Jericho, like Undying before it, is a horror-themed first-person shooter. Far darker than its predecessor, the game follows the Jericho Squad, part of the United States’ Department of Occult Warfare, as they fight to reclaim the city of Al Khalid from demonic influence. The game is a squad-based shooter, with players hopping between members of the Jericho Squad on the fly, each of which sports unique weaponry and paranormal powers.

Jericho is being developed by MercurySteam, a Spanish developer whose sole credit is another possessively titled game – American McGee’s Scrapland, the very pretty, if very dull, GTA rip-off. Add mixed impressions from those who’ve played it, and Jericho doesn’t inspire as much confidence as a game from the man that has become an unintended champion of the medium should. At least it looks nice, anyway.

Today, Codemasters released a Jericho demo across all platforms the game will be appearing on (PC, 360, PS3). Eager to see how Clive Barker’s second foray into the world of video gaming turned out, I downloaded the demo despite not meeting the game’s minimum requirements. Though my graphics card isn’t even in the same ballpark as those supported, the rest of my four-year-old machine skirts in just above or below the suggested specs. Sure, it would be an ugly slideshow of an experience, but at the very least I could get a gauge on the overall quality of the game.

Having spent far too much time downloading and installing the game twice, each time from a different source, I can state with authority that Jericho will not run on my PC. Unfortunately, it just crashes almost immediately after launching, giving me a general error message. As I have no way to actually play the game, this is the point where the update loses all momentum and whimpers away with its tail between its legs. I seriously considered continuing from this point, writing as though I had played the game by pulling information from the various impressions and previews saturating the Internet, but for your sake as much as mine, I won’t.

Generally, this isn’t the sort of update I would bother uploading, but seeing as how I just spent the last three hours working on this disaster, I’m going to put it online anyway. The day’s almost done and I have a quota to meet. Just because I can’t run the demo on my PC doesn’t mean you can’t play it on yours. Unless you fail to meet the system requirements too, in which case just ignore the rest of this.

In true Web 2.0 style, I leave it to you, the one reader whose PC can run this game (Jeremy Hahn), to download the demo and continue where I have failed by posting your impressions of the game and whether or not they live up to the persona Clive Barker has had constructed around him. Sure, the demo’s only ten minutes long, ends abruptly with a Shenmue-inspired QTE, and almost certainly offers no real insight into the quality of the final product, but don’t let that stop you from making broad, sweeping judgments. This is the Internet, after all. The Web 2.0 Internet.

Tomorrow: Something less terrible. I promise.

Note: Don’t read this post. Just don’t. You’ll embarrass both yourself and me. This update is extremely nerdy, even by this site’s standard.

Double note: As pathetic as this is, it has nothing to do with the fabled “2oo page Transformers fanfic” which may or may not still be referenced in the archive.

After Beast Machines ended, the future of the Transformers franchise was a big question mark (that transformed into a robot). American audiences eventually received Transformers: Robots in Disguise, the English version of the Japanese Transformer Car Robots. With the quiet cancellation of Transformers TransTech, the Transformers-Beast Wars-Beast Machines arc was effectively abandoned, leaving American audiences with multiple unrelated G1 reboots/reimaginings/reeveryoneisboredofthis. Any sense of continuity the Transformers universe might have held was dumped in favor of more easily approachable, and generally terrible, fare.

Following the success of Steven Spielberg Presents Transformers a Michael Bay Film, it should come as no surprise to anybody that Hasbro has a new Transformers series ready to Roll Outâ„¢ on Cartoon Network this spring. Directed by the dude that brought us Teen Titans and written by Marty “The Less Terrible Half of the Skir-Isenberg Story Editing Duo” Isenberg, the series looks as awesome as the fifth anime-inspired G1 retread has any right to be.

I can’t help but think the Transformers franchise deserves better than this. It certainly is capable of more. Bob Forward and Larry DiTillio proved a Transformers series doesn’t have to be insultingly stupid and that it can do more than sell toys. How many other Transformer series won an Emmy, Hasbro?

So, like anyone with far, far too much time on his hands, I got to thinking about what my ideal Transformers series would look like. It certainly wouldn’t feature Optimus Prime and G1 Megatron/Galvatron continuing their million-years war on Earth with humanity caught in the middle. Yes, the original series was tons of fun when we were all eight. These days I can count the number of legitimately worthwhile episodes on one hand with fingers to spare (Forever is a Long Time Coming, Return of Optimus Prime, and uh…).

Imagine, if you will, Cybertron after the Great Upgrade. The Great War is over. The Decepticons lost. Earth and humanity are no longer in the picture and the newly formed and reformatted Predacons and Maximals suddenly have to deal with the aftermath of millions of years of aggression. On one side, the surviving Autobots have become the Maximal Council of Elders. Still in possession of the Autobot Matrix of Leadership but no longer able to interface with it, they must convince Maximal and Predacon alike that they are capable of leading their race into the future and that they are still in control of Cybertron’s wide assortment of world-destroying doomsday weapons. Meanwhile, the three surviving members of the gestalt Predaking (Ramhorn, Cicadacon, and Seaclamp), as the Tripredacus Council, are faced with a chaotic assembly of loosely aligned Predacon factions which they must control, through force if necessary, while remaining on equal footing with the Maximals without appearing weak to their fellow Predacons.

Rather than a full-fledged military conflict, the series would instead focus on political intrigue in a cold war setting. Transformer political intrigue. Both the Maximals and Predacons are terrified of each other and of the new responsibilities thrust upon them. Rather than bravely forging their own path forward, either side instead decides to place their focus on their opposition. That is, if Maximals and Predacons are even enemies any more. Who can be trusted and what are the Maximal and Predacon’s true motives? Spys, double agents, and triple agents lie, cheat, and maneuver about one another as information replaces energon as the most valuable natural resource.

Acting as both a G1 sequel and a Beast Wars prequel, the series could incorporate characters from each as long as the overall continuity of the universe is strictly enforced. C-3P0 isn’t meeting Owen Lars here. Besides the aforementioned ruling bodies, the inclusion of the G1 cassettes (Ravage, Laserbeak, Buzzclaw, Frenzy, etc.) would be an obvious necessity. We’ve already seen Ravage as a badass Predacon assassin. It follows that the rest of Soundwave’s cassettes also served as Predacon covert agents in a post-Soundwave, post-Decepticon world. Acting in the shadows under the control of the Tripredacus Council, the cassettes would take care of the really dirty Predacon dirty work.

From Beast Wars, Tarantulus would mark another character obvious for inclusion. As a top agent for the Tripredacus Council and master manipulator sharing similar (read: non-Ark) origins with the council itself, Tarantulus could act as the eyes and ears of the council in the places they couldn’t otherwise tread. Like in the company of Megatron. The Predacon commander who the Tripredacus Council sees as “brilliant, but a rogue” could serve as the series’ primary villain, acting against Maximal and Predacon alike. Here we could see Megatron II in the beginning of his career. An inexperienced scientific and strategic genius, we could see Megatron’s first experimentations with technologies he would later prefect such as Vehicon drones, recreations of the hate plague, and his transformation-inhibiting virus. Acting as the leader of a small (DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO THE NEXT TWO WORDS) terrorist cell on the fringe of the Predacon Alliance, we would witness first hand the events that earn Megatron the contempt of the Tripredacus Council. Besides Tarantulus, Dinobot – a warrior without a war – could also serve as a member of Megatron’s team as he earns his trust and eventually becomes his lieutenant as seen in the beginning of Beast Wars. Of course, Dinobot and Rattrap could never meet.

Rattrap, to quote Wikipedia, was the Axalon’s “infiltrator, sharpshooter, saboteur and demolitions expert.” Also a hacker and security systems expert, the sarcastic and cynical Rattrap would fit right in a setting of Maximal-Predacon espionage. Also unable to come into direct contact with Megatron or Ravage for continuity purposes, Rattrap could still serve as a Maximal agent in Predacon guise. Here, however, he would be young, naïve, and inexperienced. Bubbling with optimism, we would watch him undergo a Cheetor or Hot Rod-esque maturation, eventually ending his arc as the detached, womanizing bastard we all know and love. Insert painful, life-changing tragedy as needed.

Additionally, with Optimus Primal, Rhinox, Depth Charge, and Protoform X all floating around the universe at this point, any of them would be perfect for brief inclusions. Depth Charge tracks Protoform X to Cybertron after the destruction of Colony Omicron and the Maximal Elders must help him keep their dirty secret a secret. Optimus Primal as a young military cadet accidentally stumbles across a Predacon plot. Rhinox is one of many scientists working to something something blah blah blah. Et cetera.

In terms of some sort of general plot-like thing, this dream series of mine would primarily focus on Megatron and his team trying to eliminate the Maximals (and any Predacons that oppose him), leaving Cybertron entirely in Predacon hands. He would try to convince other Predacons to forego the rule of the Tripredacus Council and join his cause while initiating strikes against Maximal targets. Sometimes he would succeed and sometimes he would fail. Both the Tripredacus Council and Maximal Elders would of course want to stop him, but at the same time see the benefit he provides for either faction. As Megatron gladly kills any Transformer that doesn’t share his vision – Maximal or Predacon – his actions could either positively or negatively affect either side. Therefore the series would follow Megatron as both sides try to manipulate and/or stop him, depending on his scheme of the day, through their network of spies and as he, never one to lose the upper hand in a situation, likewise manipulates them.

Eventually, through some horrifically violent plan or another, Megatron’s actions would force the Maximal Elders to quarantine all Predacons off Cybertron, relocating them to the planet’s many moons and space stations. At this point, Megatron would need to escalate his aggressiveness while the Predacons and Maximals likewise realize the monumental threat Megatron posses. Rinse and repeat, more or less, until Megatron discovers the location of the golden disk or something equally climaxy.

Besides obvious continuity-contradicting meetings, such a series would also have to avoid all the Really Big Questions of the Transformers mythos because frankly they’re more interesting unanswered. We shouldn’t find out what drove Earth and Cybertron apart or the specifics of the Great Upgrade or the end of the Great War. Likewise, let’s just assume that whatever happened to Optimus Prime and Galvatron is just too Goddamn awesome for words and therefore avoid it. And finally, no Vok, no Quentessons, and maybe just a little Unicron if Tripredacus Council and/or Tarantulus backstories are absolutely required.

So, I think we can all agree that 1500 words is more than enough for this not-even-good-enough-to-be-considered-fan-fiction update. If you actually managed to read through that disaster, congratulations. If you didn’t, you’re all the better for it.

Tomorrow: Part one of the Transformers/Law and Order/Batman/dorkclub.com crossover event!

As some of you may or may not know, Cartoon Network has been airing new episodes of Dexter’s Laboratory over the last couple of months – new episodes which seem to lack any involvement from series creator Genndy Tartakovsky. That’s not say that these new episodes are bad, they’re just unimaginably painful to watch. They seem more like fan cartoons than actual series episodes. The animation and the voices are just slightly off, and the actor they hired to impersonate Dexter’s voice isn’t even in the ballpark. Most of the voice actors, however, would be passable if not for the terrible characterizations which simply draw more attention to the fact that a different team is now working on the series. Even Bob Skir got closer than this. Sure, Dee Dee is ditzy, but she’s not stupid, and I don’t recall Mandark ever being quite this evil. In fact, most of these new episodes quickly devolve into Dexter – Good, Mandark – Bad (honestly, now, how would you punctuate that) romps and end on some particularly zany note.

It’s a shame to see one of my most beloved cartoons being treated so poorly, especially when Cartoon Network already had an extensive library of highly original, entertaining episodes with which to fill their air waves. At least Tartakovsky has an excuse for his (possible) absence, as his mini-series, Star Wars: Clone Wars is scheduled to begin its run this Friday (that’s tomorrow). With any luck, it should prove more amusing than Lucas’ latest take on the universe.

Then there’s FLCL (Flea Clea? Fooly Cooly? Floey Cloey?). Apparently this show already completed its first US run as part of Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim, something I seem to have completely missed. To make up for my ignorance, I’ve been watching the series since it returned to TV a few weeks ago. Surprisingly enough, I think we might be able to mark this one up as the third anime series in the history of mankind (Japan) that I don’t actually hate. Or at the very least, don’t hate that much.

I totally dig the show’s visual style. The characters and environments are highly detailed (high polycounts) and the animation is impossibly fluent. This, coupled with the show’s frenzied pacing thanks to it’s choppy, fast-cut editing, make for a show that’s one hell of a visual treat. Unfortunately it’s just as fun to watch with sound on as it to watch on mute. Each episode seems to take on too much for a single half-hour sitting. While the rushed feel of the plots fit right in with the jerky scene transitions and constant angle cycling, it makes it hell to follow many of the story arcs. On top of that, most of the episodes are filled with a few too many OMG SO KWAI ZANY ANTICS LOL scenes.

I think I’ll wait until I’ve seen more of the series before passing final judgment/this update was terrible, but I guess a terrible update is better than no update at all.

In a final summit meeting last evening, diplomats from little Timmy MacPherson, 7, met with official representatives of Susan MacPherson, 36, in the living room to iron out the final details of the proposed bedtime accord.

Foreign relations analysts anticipate that this will be the last step in restoring peace and some measure of stability to the conflict-torn MacPherson household. Less than a week ago, prospects for peace seemed remote as talks ground to a halt over the matter of dinner. Dessert was a hotly-contested issue, though there still remains no guarantee that it will be present after dinner. Its delivery remains contingent on Timmy’s behavior, though assurances were extracted from Timmy’s representatives that veggies would indeed be eaten during dinner. This promise, however, has yet to be ratified by the Timmy MacPherson legislature.

Armed skirmishes between forces for both sides have rocked the region as soliders probe territorial claims and raid supply lines. Numerous civillian casualties have been reported in the area, including Timmy’s beloved teddy bear Rocky. Only recently has pressure from UN representatives and surrounding neighbors brought the two sides to the negotiating table.

Though tensions remain moderately high, hope has at last dawned for the denizens of the MacPherson household. None of the representatives were available for comment.

(vector_black isn’t as smart as he thinks he is)

Yesterday my boss asked me to work Wednesday morning rather than Wednesday night. This means I’ll be able to purchase and play one “Super Mario Sunshine” earlier than was originally anticipated. Good times will follow. Most of which involving virtual water, sludge, and shining. If there’s one genre of games I enjoy, it’s the platformer and if there’s one genre of games this generation’s been lacking, it’s the platformer. Unless you count Luigi’s Mansion or Dexter and Jax, which I don’t. Well, Dexter and Jax I do count, but a lack of a PS2 slightly hampers my ability to play it.

I’ve also managed to find two places from which to obtain a Pink Pre-Modded Game Boy Advance with Afterburner. The thing is, one sells said product for $105 and includes a dimmer switch while the other sells it, sans dimmer switch, for $135. I’m afraid I’m going to go with the more expensive establishment’s offer, as the other place is a seedy joint in Hong Kong which demands I pay them, with Paypal, long before the product is shipped. Besides, who needs a dimmer switch and $30? I can easily suffer through one less GBA game and washed out colors if it means I will actually have a Game Boy Advance. And a pink one at that.

Now, TV NEWS! What’s up with Farscape having its season finale so soon? Is it just me, or was this season ridiculously short? I guess I’ll let it slip, as the “Grandma” character is by far my favorite character from any fictional work ever. Speaking of Farscape, I highly recommend you download the Farscape game demo. It’s certainly good for a laugh as it is the definitive example of shovelware.

Where are those two articles I promised? On my hard drive. One’s a little untimely at the moment while the other is far too ambitious for anything but the biggest of gaming sites. Check back later today as I update the Staff Page, Warcraft 3 Replay Page, and ancient M*A*S*H article and turn them into something a little less embarrassing.

End Rambling Sequence

*UPDATE* (Saturday, August 24 2002 – 12:34:56 PM)

Said pages are now updated.

I was right! Season 4 of Farscape was only 11 episodes long, half as long as all previous seasons!