The hardest part of writing a book is not accidentally ripping off other people’s work that you see while you’re working on it.

For instance, last night I was working on my current project, when I noticed things were slowing down a little. I did some thinking and decided to introduce a new character into the mix to get things moving again. His name is E.S. Gharp. He’s a writer, and he’s got this crazy nurse mom who’s also writing, and raped this catatonic pilot guy to have a baby. And he has all these affairs and his wife has one too, and then things get really crazy.

My plan worked brilliantly. This new, completely original subplot has really revitalized my novel, which is now about a zillion pages long, and has ensured me a place in the best-sellers lists and literary history. I’m told a young Robin Williams and a not-decrepit Glenn Close are in talks for the big screen adaptation.

My next book? American Deities.

(DORK Club made 99% more literary by Manatee, who hopes to God that wasn’t over anybody’s head. Because that would just be sad.)