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[Review: The Matrix: Reloaded]
by Manatee To put it all in perspective, they were showing previews for 2Fast, 2Furious at the theatre. It’s apparently a movie about people so stupid, they think having a shootout with the cops is a fun pastime. And then there was Legally Blonde 2: Red, White, and Blonde, which has the clunkiest title since 2Fast, 2Furious, and is about a girl who wears a lot of pink who goes to Washington and tries to change things. Kind of like Mr. Smith goes to Washington, if instead of Jimmy Stewart you had a prissy ho and her lying jerk of a boyfriend. The coup de grace was when we saw the preview for Bad Boys II, and I found myself thinking, “well, that doesn’t look so bad.” By comparison to the last two idiotic sequels, Bruce Almighty would have looked like the next Citizen Kane. It really does put Matrix 2: Reloaded in perspective. What’s most disappointing about this film is that in its frenzy of self cannibalization, it has diminished its prequel as much as wasted the hopes and dreams I had pinned on having a single movie I cared about come out this season. I’m about to spoil the movie, so you may want to duck out on this one until you’ve seen it yourself. Then again, you may want to duck out on the movie entirely. The first sign of trouble was when Neo got into a fight with a couple of agents and he didn’t take them apart in the first thirty seconds. “Oh,” he says. “Upgrades.” As if that explains the all powerful fighter of doom, the one who can bend reality to his will, having to expend any effort at all on things which can’t bend reality to their wills. Strike that--the first sign of trouble is his stupid coat. But at least the music was well chosen, and it was a more or less exciting scene, so I was willing to let them have it. Just this once. Then they inexplicably introduced a dorky little white kid (presumably with a heart of Gold) who worships Neo for freeing his mind, I guess, except Neo says the kid found him, and we won’t be elaborating on this, but isn’t it another very interesting and useless moment amongst so many others? And look, they think Neo is the messiah, that’s pretty awesome. Except some don’t, which is revealed during scenes that are disturbingly intent on aping the most recent, and worst, chapter of Star Wars. So what if we can’t have aliens, says one Wachowski brother. The other finishes his sentence: We can dress this old woman up like one instead! Then Keanu Reeves drops in and says, “great idea, guys!” And the scene proceeds as planned with this wonderful addition. Come to think of it, Keanu may explain everything. And then there’s an orgy. Or at least a lot of people rubbing up against each other. If you’re me, and I think we both know you are, you saw this coming the second you saw the completely brown palette of Zion. As expected, Morpheus beats his chest for a moment and looks vaguely biblical, telling people not to worry about the machines working their way toward the city, because Humanity Totally Rocks. When the guys in the funny vests start joyfully bouncing around and hitting their tribal drums, it is so not a surprise that you will likely find yourself Laughing Out Loud. And then everybody starts grinding into each other, which is a surprise only in the sense that it is disgusting and not something I really wanted to see. The fact that this scene (which goes on for, oh, twenty minutes or so) is interspersed with scenes of Neo’s man-ass getting it on with Trinity, and the rivulets of slobber that hang from their lips does not help matters. But I was willing to let them have this stupid excess, because it was clear that at least the original concept behind it wasn’t such a bad one: Contrast humanity, in all its questionable glory, against the machines that are ruling their lives. I’m fine with that, it’s a decent idea, but maybe they should have cut the sequence short before forgetting what they had originally planned for and trading their (human) tribal drums for soulless techno. As the music shifts to a completely electronic motif, you begin to wonder what the directors’ point was after all: are these people irresistibly drawn to humping each other’s thighs, because secretly we are all machines? At which point all the characters become entangled Deus ex Machina, or for those of you not inclined to listen to the Smashing Pumpkins, the machines of God. If God were a forgetful, easily distracted slob, that is. But two things must happen first, because I guess the movie wasn’t long enough or something (that is a lie). 1) An old man has a boring conversation with Neo about pointless abstractions that nobody cares about. He goes on for about five minutes before admitting, with perfect comic timing, that the whole thing is pointless. Good thing the Wachowski brothers caught it on film, then! This is a habit that the characters will maintain for the duration of the scene: with uncanny timing, they manage to admit that what they’re talking about or doing is meaningless at the exact moment when you finally give up and admit it to yourself. 2) Then, just as they’re leaving, the inexplicable dorky kid sidekick shows up to give Neo something. “A kid at the orphanage made me swear that I would give this to you before you left. He said you would know what it means.” Neo unfurls the cloth to reveal: A Spoon. Then: The spoon winks at the camera! Then everybody laughs! Then the audience screams affectionately, “there is no spoon!” And then we all laugh, and wipe tears from our eyes. The best part being that they will never pick back up on any of the plot threads that were left dangling before our eyes like so many sagging old women breasts. So apparently the whole dorky sidekick thing exists only to deliver a spoon as a stupid wink to the audience, who got tired of saying “There is no spoon!” “There is no pants!” “There is no cock!” to each other about three years ago. This is accidental self satire, folks, and it is pathetic. Then Neo fights a guy, again inexplicably not kicking his ass when it is completely within his powers to, you know, kick his ass. And he talks to The Oracle! And she spouts some nonsense about programs who, rather than allow themselves to be deleted, decide to just hang out in the matrix, fucking everything up! And apparently the matrix is fine with this! Of course, why didn’t I fucking think of that?! More philosophical bullshit from which any and all meanings can and will be reamed. And then Neo fights Agent Smith, who is obsessed now with Purpose. And killing Neo. This scene actually had a lot of potential, as dozens of Agent Smiths run onto the scene and try to beat the shit out of Neo (who still shouldn’t have had a problem, mind you, and in the end renders the whole thing meaningless by just flying away). This might have worked if not for two problems: One, the Agent Smith body doubles are unconvincing. The fact that someone has an absurdly high forehead does not mean he is the same as Smith, and there are a lot of shots where this becomes very clear. Secondly, self cannibalization continues as it apes the terrible CG technology that Spider Man used to terribly ape The Matrix’s, at the time very impressive, special effects. There is nothing in this movie as unconvincing as the CG Neo, who moves like rubber and is shaded like a cartoon. I guess somebody out there fell for it, but I just found myself laughing at how shitty it looked. Then they talk to a French guy, who also spouts philosophical nonsense. My guess is that the directors were beginning to feel self conscious about their stupid Deus ex Machina theories, so they decided that if they had a self important guy with a French accent and pomp to spare were to give a self conscious, posturing speech, it would be an endearing wink and a nod to the camera. But it isn’t--it just reminds us how self conscious, posturing, and pompous the film itself is coming off as. And, with perfect timing, the French guy reminds us that “this is meaningless.” Good job, Frenchy. Oh, and we get to see into the fractal code of a woman’s vagina. I thought that was a good idea.Then a woman with boobs and a spandex dress that suggests her ass may well end somewhere just above her knees forces Neo to kiss her. That tricky devil! And they get an old Asian man who always has whatever key they need for whatever situation, because they want to…oh God, I don’t know, I really stopped being able to pretend this was anything but an accidental comedy, by this point. An absurdly long series of action scenes follow. They do something right by keeping Neo out of the majority of them, since he automatically wins any conflict he’s in anyway, but the one he’s in is the most absurd yet. He absolutely refuses at every instance to kill anyone, until we’re so sick of him just lightly smacking people that he finally smashes one’s face. Which, to me, seemed like a good idea. The action sequence on the highway almost works, except that one explosion in particular shouldn’t have happened, and would have melted the flesh off every participant within twenty yards if it actually happened the way it looked like it did. Then there’s a barely coherent thread of scenes almost held together by Morpheus giving us a long, boring, redundant speech about how he believes in Neo. You know, in case we forgot. And a building explodes for no entirely clear reason, I’ll be honest, I didn’t care by then. And Trinity tosses a motorcycle onto another building, which, I guess, was wired to explode violently if anybody threw a motorcycle on it. Or something. Colonel Sanders comes out from behind the curtain to tell us how much the Wachowski brothers like RPG’s. Or rather, that everything has been manipulated by him (Colonel Sanders, I mean) and this has been going on for hundreds of years. It’s an absurdly complex plot that doesn’t hold up to even a second of scrutiny, and the worst part is that it is quickly made clear that the whole thing might be a complete lie. More unconvincing Neo CG! Followed by an absurd series of events I can’t even begin to adequately describe. At this point, I don’t think I really need to pick the film apart, it’s falling to pieces anyway. It becomes extremely obvious that either they’re still in the Matrix even when they think they’re out, or the writers just like jerking our chains. And! Complete anti-climax! Oh no, Agent Smith is in Zion, and completely powerless to do anything to anybody! I FEEL FRIGHTENED BY THIS FUCKING TURN OF GODDAMN EVENTS! TO BE CONCLUDED. God, what a terrible movie. Jesus Christ it sucks ass. But it does do one thing right, which is to continue the last film’s precise control of its palette. There are some very interesting (and occasionally eye-searing) theories on the effects of contrast between black and white presented here, as well as some skilled use of the colors red, blue, and beige. The Agent Smith thing is visually thrilling, ignoring that idiotic CG Neo gumming things up. The dreadlock sporting albinos are hysterical and menacing all at once. Neo looks like a real dumbass, but Morpheus’ fascinating pockmark riddled skin and his bizarre, but generally bad ass outfits are at least visually interesting, and it is hypnotic to see just how much leather they can get onto Trinity’s body. This tight control of a visual element directors have often had to leave more or less up to chance in the past is exemplary to filmmakers of the future: Go ahead, use the digital technology to tighten up your colors. That’s what it’s there for. Just, uh, try to have a script that isn’t a complete embarrassment, and directors with some sense of basic self control. The worst part being, I know I’m still going to go see the sequel. |
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