It’s E3 time again, and I could talk about the state of the industry: about huge budgets and small creativity; about the May announcement-November release cycle that’s pure poison; about the PR-fed nightmare that is the gaming “press,” but…

IT’S E3! OMF! LKJASDFOIJMVLKAJSDF!

We’re not running any E3 un-coverage here at The DORK Club this year because, quite frankly, I don’t have the time for it and I was the only person entertained by it. However, you should be able to survive just fine in our absence of fake news and stupid in-jokes. Personally, I’d suggest checking out 1up.com’s E3 coverage because Ziff Davis’ online arm has the best writers in the industry. Hell, they’ve fired more good writers than IGN will ever see. Also, because Crunk Games has resurfaced just in time for E3, I highly recommend refreshing their 1up blog every three minutes. It will either prove to be hugely entertaining or entirely contentless. Game Trailers is the best source for all your video-related needs, and of course the infamous Gaming-Age Forums will be your one stop source for everything E3 and should be breaking stories and posting reactions a full six months before any other online source. Then they’ll crash under the extreme server load some time this Thursday and take the entire Internet with them. Huzzah. I’ll miss you, crazy online universe.

However, were I getting my un-coverage on, I’d post something like this, not today, obviously, but once the show proper got underway. The key to stupid fake news is to keep it believable! This:

Dorkclub.com got behind closed doors this afternoon for a special sneak peak at the recently announced Design Fight Beach Party Fight! Jump! Fight! which is currently being developed by no developer in particular for none of the current or next generation consoles. The game allows players to jump into the shoes of their favorite game makers from the past and present… and then beat the snot out of other players doing the exact same thing. The game will feature full online support so up to eight players can join in on the zany, Smash Brothers-esque action. We got to sit in and watch an online match between six PR reps and came away pleasantly impressed.

The match started with just two players present: one playing as Shigeru Miyamoto and one playing as Hideo Kojima. The map we were shown was, fittingly enough, a recreation of the E3 showroom floor, complete with video walls, costumed mascots, and hordes of people. The fully 3D environment (think Power Stone) was entirely interactive, as Kojima and Miyamoto exchanged blows with each other and the crowd. At one point, Miyamoto was actually swinging an Atlus representative in a Jack Frost costume around like a weapon. Miyamoto tried his best to convince the industry that he was still relevant, but Kojima quickly punched him in the face before winking at the game’s camera and singing out “DO DO DO!”

At this point in our demonstration, our PR rep tried to join the game (which you can watch from a spectator’s perspective and join in on the action at any time), choosing Denis Dyack as his character. However, he was quickly disconnected, spending the remainder of the match trying to re-establish his connection. Obviously, the developers still have some kinks to work out, but thankfully we had a second monitor set to spectate for us.

Two new players joined, one playing as Sid Meier and the other as Tomonobu Itagaki. Representing the varied and interesting playstyles unique to each character, the player playing as Sid Meier actually played the game as a turn-based match. Additionally, the Meier character had the unique ability of displaying his own name over his head at all times. Further demonstrating just how rough this early build of the game is (though it certainly isn’t without its potential), the Itagaki character slowed the game down considerably, as we were told that complex algorithms, still unoptimized, were controlling the twelve pairs of breasts on Itagaki’s body.

Despite the slowdown, the four players continued beating on one another, demonstrating a wide range of animations, all of which smoothly transition into one another. Soon enough, yet another player joined the game as Peter Molyneux, forcing the other four players to make a moral choice and clogging up the gameplay with lots of useless tasks. The other players quickly quit, which our rep was quick to point out always happens after someone playing as Molyneux joins the game. Obviously, that character still has some balance issues which need to be addressed.

Despite it’s rough edges, however, Design Fight Beach Party Fight! Jump! Fight! has plenty of development time ahead of it thanks to the licensing nightmare behind the scenes. Said our PR rep before we left, “We’re seriously considering replacing all our current fighters with Megaman characters and selling the project to Capcom.”

And that’s why we’re not un-covering E3 this year.

EDIT - Holy fuck.