Forget Super Metroid, Phantasy Star Online: Episode 1 & 2 (not referenced as PSO for Google purposes) is The Best Game Ever. I’ve never even considered paying a monthly fee to play a video game, but something about PSO is endearing enough to coax me over to the dark side. Two somethings, actually.

Something the first: annoying enemies. Taking a page from their inspiration, Sonic Team has managed to create a set of opponents even more annoying than those found in Diablo. While Blizzard North offered the ultra-annoying Fetishes, teleporting Demon Imps, and corpse-spitting Regurgitators, they seem down right entertaining when compared to Phantasy Star’s selection. Enemies include giant flowers which, while constantly emitting a high-pitched laugh, can paralyze and poison players, giant plant-apes who, when not actively avoiding you, freeze players in place before fleeing, and fully-cloaked robots who can leap great distances and unequip your weapon each time their blows connect. Plus, their names are notoriously difficult to remember. It’s bad enough trying to remember the difference between a Fetish and a Flayer, but it’s even harder trying to discern the differences between a So Dimenian and a Zol Gibbon. While many designers try to create enemies which work as a team, use the environment to their advantage, and are able to think critically, it’s nice to see Sega taking some risks and taking the path less traveled.

What really makes PSO stand out, however, is the built-in Engrish support. By arranging pre-created phrases, players can communicate with each other with relative ease. The system allows players to easily let others know that “HIDOOM is near by here .” or that “Everybody,we can ‘slow mo’!”. Players can also map their own phrases to the directional pad for easy access. Me, I have the chorus to the Hanson classic Mmmbop and the url to this site ready to be scrolled across dozens of screens at a moment’s notice. Of course, you could always try to actually type to other people yourself, by slowly hunting and pecking letters from a menu. So, when people aren’t constructing awkward, meaningless, phrases, they can instead communicate by informing their comrades that “U R 2 LOW LVL.”

It’s like this game was made exclusively for me.

ShootMe, The DORK Club’s newest staff member may or may not be introducing himself sometime today. As always, don’t expect the staff page to see an update for a couple of weeks. Now, Asobakata will master TELLEN Lv. 17!