Upon learning, recently, that those little striped of hair that lead down from a guy’s belly button to his pubic hair are called “Happy Trails,” I became enamored of the idea of naming unusual hair constellations. I proceeded to imagine as many odd hair configurations as I could, and name them in a humorous fashion. This post represents days of work, people, enjoy.

Barber’s Pole: Shave your legs in a spiral fashion, leaving a spiral of stripes of hair down each leg. Dye the hair on your legs red. For bonus points, grow a big handle-bar mustache. And watch the ladies go wild.

What Would Jesus Shave: Shave off enough hair on your chest to leave a cross shape. For bonus points, shave into it a jack-o-lantern style face of Jesus.

Reverse Texas Goatee: Shave off all the hair on a woman’s genitals, except a little stripe of fuzz right at the top.

I promise that last one is hysterical if you think about it for way too long.