I have a feeling this is going to be long, and if all goes well, rambling. So bear (sober) with me, kids.

Final Fantasy VIII sucks. There, I said it. Most people take this as fact, often following the statement with something along of the lines of “BUTT FFVII ROXXX OMG CLOUD,” and while I certainly don’t agree with the second statement (I try not to play games that make me want to die), I once proudly stood defiant in the face of the first. That is, until I got the crazy notion of playing Final Fantasy VIII for twelve hours, from ten at night until ten the next morning, a couple Saturdays ago, vector_black in tow. I scored the final blow against Ifrit long after my fond memories of a Final Fantasy game which dared to go against the series’ norms had been completely torn to shreds by the game’s unbearable suck. Less than an hour of playtime had quickly transformed what I had believed to be my favorite Final Fantasy game into my most hated entry in the series. Other than VII, that is. And II.

Thankfully, Final Fantasy IX was quick to not only hold up to my equally fond memories of hours battling against evil queens and final bosses introduced three seconds before being forced to fight them. If anything, the game’s better than I remember it. Or maybe I just like crystals coming back more than I like men plunging their mighty souls into battle. Either way, the game’s fantastic dialogue, light hearted, upbeat storyline, and completely likeable battle system make me smile. Few games make me smile.

As with any sane person, my immediate reaction was to jump on my PC, boot up ZSNES, and start a new game of Final Fantasy VI. I have never played Final Fantasy VI beyond the first boss fight. However, after watching those three magic mech things (one italicized word per paragraph k thx) strut their stuff over the frozen tundra of whereverthehell, I then jumped once more, this time landing at eBay, and quickly bought myself a copy of Final Fantasy III (OR SO THE CARTRIDGE SAYS WTF).

TRANSITION!

I spend a lot more time playing through my library of old games than I do playing new ones. In a perfect world, I ‘d like to purchase a single new video game a month and spend a good week or two playing through it. Then I’d like to spend those next two weeks revisiting several games which I feel need revisiting, the Turok 3s and Hexens Symphony of the Nights and Secret of Manas of the world. However, this world we live in is far from perfect. I don’t buy a new game every month (though that new James Bond game looks pretty appetizing), and am instead forced (willingly) to repeatedly play through my collection of games. There are certainly worse fates.

However, the order in which I play through the games can best be described as haphazardly random. I rarely finish any of these old games I start. I’ve played through the mortuary of Planescape: Torment half a dozen times in the last year. But none of that is important and those last three sentences should be deleted prior to my uploading this mess. But I know they won’t be. Did you see what I did there? I told myself to delete them, knowing full well that they should be deleted and replaced with something less stupid (we’ve got quotas to fill), but with no intention to do so. In fact, I defiantly told myself so. Then I explained what I did, thinking it could only add to this failed paragraph. It’s like meta-fiction. Except not. Let’s try this again, shall we?

We shall! I am nothing if not a creature of association. You say “System” and I say “Shock.” You say “Ape” and I say “Escape.” You say you have a chemistry midterm on Monday and I say “System Shock.” Again. Sorry, folks, it was the only game I could think of that definitely has some of that newfangled chemistry in it. Double clicking on a bottle labeled “Li” while a research timer counts down next to an image of a monkey’s brain counts as chemistry. I wanted to say Resident Evil, Mel Gibson’s Jesus knows I did, but I just wasn’t certain enough. I’d be a damned fool if I trusted this memory. And I do.

For example! I read through A Clockwork Orange recently and besides finding the violence rather tame and telling my professor I could totally see myself doing exactly what Alex did if I lived in his world right before he explained to the class that it would be totally OK if we found ourselves unable to deal with the horrible acts portrayed in the book and were unable to finish it, the novel also gave me an irresistible urge to play some Conker’s Bad Fur Day.

(Lengthy aside, in case we haven’t had enough of those for one update: If you don’t know why A Clockwork Orange would inspire someone to play Conker’s Bad Fur Day it’s probably because you’ve never seen Kubrick’s film of the same name (A Clockwork Orange, not Conker’s Bad Fur Day) and/or have never played Conker’s Bad Fur Day. In the case of the former, no real loss in the grand scheme of things. In the case of the latter, I like to think of Rare as a very Shiny-esque company which produces an equal number of games that are absolute brilliance and utter garbage. Pro Tip: BFD is not garbage.)

I played myself some BFD, an abbreviation I should have adopted much earlier in this update, and it was good. However, I had hardly finished rolling a giant ball of dung up a hill when I developed a sudden urge to play some Jurassic Park 2: The Chaos Continues (because it’s crap! HAHAHA HA HA ha ha�). Actually, my desire to play JP2:TCC stemmed from a conversation with my roommates concerning whether or not a Jurassic Park 3 did or did not exist. It did. And does. Jurassic Park 2 led to Killer Instinct, where I promptly discovered I am no longer able to perform 50-hit combos with the utmost of ease.

Now, there’s a clearly defined theme running through that haphazard, but organized, disaster which you (assumingly) just read through (parenthetical statement). I could easily state my thesis here, explaining that I view reality through terms and experiences largely defined by the video games I’ve played and that my everyday life experiences inspire me to replay my older, beloved games which in turn inspire me to play my other, but no less beloved, games in an endless cycle of love and loss. But I’d rather leave that up to you. Except I just did. Explain myself, not leave my explaining myself up to you.

The end?

Also: totally not ruining the ending of Marathon Infinity for LeadPipe.

That was either the best update I’ve ever produced or the worst. I sure hope a kindly reader informs me as to which it is.