A guy at work has a crush on a girl at work. He’s too much of an insecure little coward to say anything about it directly, but he WILL hint around forever so long as he believes she doesn’t know it’s her he’s got the fixation on. The second she got hired, he began hinting that there was “someone he liked” and he wouldn’t say who, but judging from the way he behaved around her it was painfully clear.

Let me count the ways Adam loves you, O unsuspecting Maya. He notices your unusual name wherever it appears, and points it out to me. There are pictures of kittens on the cover. He suggests you may be a kitten. He throws things at you and laughs when you do not catch them. He spends more time on his hair. He counts his meager paycheck, in cash form, in front of you. He forsakes work so you can make fun of him for doing all these stupid things, while he slacks off in the back and eventually gets scolded for doing so.

But my favorite part was when he assured you, dearest, fairest in all the land, that his current (long distance) girlfriend didn’t have a clue about whomever his crush was, or even that he had one. “I’m not lying about it,” he comforted you, “I just haven’t told her.”

Yeah, lying jerks always score big with the ladies–but only the ones they’re lying TOO, jackass.